ashlee proffitt

I thought I lost Asher.

2011-07-25T11:17:00.000-07:00

So, it has almost been an entire year since I last posted here.

There have been lots of moments, experiences, trials, and opportunities over the last year that I would have loved to share with you but I just really did not have the capacity. There has been a lot of growth this past year, a lot of healing, a lot of laughing, a lot of talking and working through issues, so much learning... Sometimes the idea of writing out all of those things just became a bit too overwhelming and life just got a teeny bit crazy with a new baby and a preschooler and a husband and a church and a business and... you get the idea. So, I made the decision to just enjoy the moments and lock them safely in my heart (and sometimes our family journal) rather than adding one more thing for me to feel guilty about for not doing. :)

However, there are moments that take you completely by surprise and you just have to voice your feelings over those moments. I felt compelled to write today.

I lost Asher at the pool this morning. Only for about 10sec... but I had just taken off his floaties and then when I turned around I realized I did not see him anywhere. I started screaming like a crazy person, completely scaring everyone within a 10 mile radius. I actually scanned the bottom of the pool because in my mind, death is always only a second away.

In that moment, he was gone. Of course he would be taken from me, just like his brother. From the moment Asher was born that is how my mind has worked. There is always an element of fear and anxiety. Most days I do not give in to the temptation to allow the worry and anxiety to rule over my life, but in reality the temptation is always there. It is real. Everything is scary to me.

I realize in these moments of sheer terror that God still has a lot of work to do in me... That when I say I trust Him, I may not in fact truly trust Him.

I feel like the father in Mark 9:24 when he cries out to Jesus saying, "I believe; help my unbelief!" I have just enough faith to know that I need to cry out to God asking for more....

I thank God that Asher did not drown in the pool today. I thank God that instead of me finding him in the pool without his floaties on he was hiding behind a column. I thank God that I was reminded once again that these wonderful children are not my own, that they are gift that God has entrusted to me. I am thankful that God is continually molding me and shaping me into the woman He has called me to be... even through frightening circumstances.

. . .

Three years is a long time... It has almost been 3 years since I last saw my son and I miss him more today than ever. The terrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that didn't leave for months after Aaden died, is there again at the mere thought that I could have lost Asher.

For all of those people in your lives that have suffered, pray for them. Though it may have been years since the initial suffering... I promise you that their hearts still ache and that the pain is still very real.

Roles.

2010-08-03T13:28:00.001-07:00

I will be answering your questions soon... thank you for taking the time to write them. :)

I was on the search for some answers today about a theological topic and stumbled upon a sermon that, by it's title, I thought would answer my question, but in fact was about something completely different than what I thought... obviously God was desiring to speak directly to me, so I listened... even as painful as it was. The pastor used biblical information, not man's words or wisdom, or what society and culture has to say, to teach me some very important truths about my role as a woman.

I am recommending that you, especially the ladies as it is directed specifically to you, should take an hour and a half and listen to this sermon by Mark Driscoll at Mars Hill Church.

This is a controversial topic to say the least and I am now aware that we have been convinced of truths that are in all actuality lies... In your own life, you can do a little self-examination by asking yourself, 'Do I base my beliefs on what society and culture tell me or what the Bible says to be true? For everything? Even my role as a wife or as a husband?'

Driscoll says it perfectly at the very end of the sermon, "Do you disagree because you have been reading your Bible a lot or do you disagree because you have not been reading your Bible a lot?"

It is worth the time... even to the end when he gives a very practical challenge to the women.

I would love to hear your thoughts.

questions.

2010-07-23T12:16:00.001-07:00

Hi friends.

Thanks so much for your prayers and support. I am so grateful that in times when my heart is feeling a little extra broken God sends you my way to give an extra hug or to even shed a tear or two with me.

I often have people contact me when someone they know is hurting deeply or grieving a tragedy in their own lives. They will ask me specific questions about grief and pain and sorrow... So, I was wondering if any of you out there have any questions for me? I would love to answer them the best I know how and give any wisdom to you that may help someone in your life who is in need. I also know that you may have had specific questions that you wanted to ask since Aaden died or since you met me or since you stumbled upon this blog, but out of fear of hurting me or creating awkwardness you refrained from asking... So, I am asking you to ask. :) I would love to hear any questions you might have. They can be anything... really. God has given me much wisdom through this grieving process and every day I am learning something new... I would love to share that wisdom with you as well.

I look forward to hearing from you. (You can leave a comment here or send an email to ashlee.proffitt@gmail.com)

love you.

---

And for your viewing pleasure, some pictures of my quickly growing little ones.

{ 4th of July - We were all matching of course. ;) }

a little weepy.

2010-07-12T07:07:00.000-07:00

I am unsure what has happened. The months following Aaden's death and then our move to Florida can only be described as an emotional roller coaster. I thought, wrongly, that I had moved past that and yet, I find myself very broken again... almost revisiting the severe pain from the last year.

I do believe that my faith in God has only grown since Aaden's death. I do still believe that He is in control and that He is good and that His ways are not my ways... and those ways, His will is ultimately perfect.

So, I am just a little confused as to why now my heart is aching so...

My mind keeps taking me back to the days and months immediately following his death. I keep reliving certain memories... I don't have many and feel as though much of that time I was in a fog... everyone moving around me and me sort of watching, but not participating.

Specifically this morning as I was reading my Bible, I found myself crying. Tears softly came as I read this passage. (For the past year or so I have been reading through the Bible... the goal was to start with Genesis and read through in a year, yes it has taken a little longer than that, but I am sticking with it and should be done relatively soon.) So, this morning I am in John, reading about how Jesus' dear friend Lazarus has died... and how Lazarus' sisters are grieving and they question Jesus saying things like “Lord, if You had been here, my brother would not have died.” And you read about how Jesus wept, not because there was a loss of hope... He knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, but because those He loved were hurting and in so much pain.

So, this morning I am reading and weeping. I cannot get out of my head the picture of burying my son... of that cold, windy day... how I wanted to crumble when I saw the tiny little casket but I was in so much pain that I did not even want to come close... how I stood from afar... and how for days and weeks, even now, the mother in me can only think of how his little body would be cold.

Like I said, I am unsure as to why my mind is going to that place again... why that huge knot has welled up in my throat for days now and I am on the verge of tears at any given moment.

I do know, for sure, that God allowed me to read that specific passage this morning, for many reasons... one of them being to remind me that He does care. The Lord sees this hurt and this pain... He identifies with my struggle and He is faithful, as always, to provide healing in unimaginable ways.

The Post Office.

2010-07-08T11:35:00.000-07:00

Today, little Aaden would have been 21 months old.

Who even thinks about that kind of milestone?

I do.

The 8th and 15th of every month are still a reminder of my son who is not here with me.

This past week I overheard someone telling another person that we have two boys. And I wanted so badly to scream 'No, actually we have 3 boys...' but I politely smiled and held my tongue. It wasn't really the time or the place... I am sure you can imagine how a response such as that might make one feel a little awkward.

As you may know, maybe because I have mentioned it about a million times... grieving is a process. And I am coming to realize that it isn't a process that will ever be completely finished. Especially when it comes to losing a child... there will always be a moment when you find yourself wishing that your little one was right there with you... or a milestone you wish you could see them make. For me I am struck with that knot in my throat when I realize that a child is the same age that Aaden would be... I feel so guilty when I have forgotten how old he would have been and then realize that the crazy little girl jumping into the pool almost shares a birthday with him... he would be jumping into the pool?! In my mind he will forever be the most beautiful, perfect little baby... and it is gut wrenching when I realize what I am missing out on.

This past weekend we celebrated 4th of July... we had the most amazing day and that evening we went out into the country to a county fair type 4th of July celebration (insert 'sparklebration'... hilarious, I know). It was absolutely perfect. Aaron helped Andrew play mini-golf and go on moon bounces and play with glow in the dark necklaces... while Asher smiled, talked, and giggled I thought to myself what a perfect night. But especially on those perfect nights, I miss having my second born son with us. There will always be a hole in our family and that does still make my heart ache...

On Saturday, I had the boys and we were running errands. I had a few orders to ship out so we stopped at the post office. I have formed a great relationship with the postal worker there, as I see her multiple times a week these days. When we first moved here I remember telling her we had two boys, but left it at that... and then she watched me grow while I was pregnant with Asher and she would always make comments about how crazy my life must be... having 3 boys under the age of 3. I would nod and smile... allowing her to believe what I wish were true. So, on Saturday it was the first time I had run in with both Andrew and Asher. It didn't even cross my mind that she would ask where the other brother was... I had to tell her the truth, 'Well, our second son passed away shortly after he was born...' Ah.

The pain that is our story. And God is reminding me that I am to glorify Him no matter the circumstances or the situation. He is deserving. So, in those situations, God gives me strength I did not know I had and reminds me of the joy deep within... He brings a smile to my face. Who else has the power to make a mother smile when she is telling another how her son is no longer with her?

So, the past few days have been hard for whatever reason... but as always God is faithful to provide comfort and peace.

One thing in particular that I am struggling with... on days like yesterday when I just needed to spend a few moments grieving over my son, I had no where to go. If we still lived in Virginia where Aaden's body is buried, yesterday would have been a day when I would have driven to the cemetery. Not because I think he is there, but because I am still his mother and I need a tangible way to feel like his mother. I want to take flowers and sit and read books and have Drew color pictures that I am sure Jesus would show him... and as I weep now it is because as much as I want to do those things I can't.

So, I need some ideas on how to reconcile this. There is nothing of Aaden here that we didn't bring with us... does that make sense? He never visited this place, I have not one memory of him here... And while I wanted so badly to leave those memories behind when we left Virginia, I realize now how much I want those memories... places I could go that would remind me of him and his life...

The truth is I am just hurting a little extra today.

But I am sure that I am not the only one... saying an extra prayer for all those mommies who are aching to hold their little ones...

My eyes flow and do not cease, Without interruption, Till the LORD from heaven Looks down and sees. Lamentations 3:49-50

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

I Will Carry You.

2010-06-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

As a mother I believe that I am the one who is the best, the most capable of caring for my children... including Aaden.

Who could care for him the way I would have? Who will teach him all the things he should know? Who will tell him about his brothers... and that his mommy and daddy love and miss him so...?

Who could possibly love him like I do? ...of course, God can and does love him infinitely more than I do...

I miss him more today than yesterday... and with every milestone Asher makes I miss his big brother even more. I yearn to know what he would look like, how cute his little smile would be... what his giggle would have sounded like.

I hate that I have to talk about my son in the past tense.

. . .

A song that has been on repeat in my mind... written in memory of Audrey Caroline

I Will Carry You {by Selah}

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One who's chosen Me
To carry you

Still here.

2010-06-23T14:05:00.000-07:00

My head and my heart have been in a million places over the past two months since I last posted. I seem to be unable to focus on anything very well... very scattered I would say in regards to my thoughts. And because I am a perfectionist I refuse to write anything unless I know exactly what I am going to say and how I am going to say it.

But here I am today... still unsure of what I want to say but knowing that I want to say something.

So, forgive me if it is slightly random and not so 'put together.'

The purpose of this blog is for me to relay to you what God is teaching me; through His Word, through people, through experiences.... so what is God teaching me you ask.

So very much.

To be honest, I am tired. And I am weak.

God has been revealing things to me about the condition of my heart... and I am now faced with the inevitable choice of allowing Him to change me. And that, my friends, is a hard thing to do. In order for change to occur one has to recognize the need for change.... I am realizing just how inadequate I am.

There are many things that I would love to share, but for today I will share with you the hardest struggle I face.

This is not a new struggle. I can look back over my life and see it playing out over and over again.

I worry.

Worry does not seem like such a huge issue, we all worry right? ...except that worry really comes down to one thing and that is complete distrust in God.

I am learning that I really don't trust God. I am afraid for me to not be in control. I am afraid of what will happen if someone else is making decisions for me.

As a child I feared death (among other things) and would lay in my room at night crying as I would think of these elaborate stories of how I might die, or those around me might die... I fear the unknown... and really I fear what I know as well... I fear that a decision might be made for me... one that may cause severe pain and hurt.

So, I have had to face my greatest fear head on. I faced my son dying. I faced that severe pain and hurt... and now a year and a half later my heart is still aching and I am still afraid... maybe more than ever.

We have a monitor that lays under Asher's mattress. An alarm will go off if the monitor does not detect movement (i.e. breathing) and yet I will still plead with Aaron to check on him when he's sleeping. I mean why would I trust a piece of electronic equipment... I know too much... I know that if God saw it best for Asher to join Him as well, a silly monitor would not stop Him.

Unlike most parents, I do not look forward to nap time or bed time... I don't really enjoy those moments that should bring peace to a mother. For me they are a daily reminder of my pain and often bring gripping fear. A friend recently asked me how the panic attacks were going... and I thought about how to answer that question. "Well, the panic is still there... but I guess I just have more self-control so I can at least refrain from waking Aaron up in the middle of the night, begging him to check on the boys. But that doesn't mean I don't wait or even pray for an opportunity to ask him to do that very thing..."

Case in point, about five minutes ago I had this mental image of Asher laying in his cradle and began to fear he had pulled his blanket over his head or had snuggled too close to the bumper... because of course I would have the child who even at such a young age loves to pull his blanky up by his face and snuggle so close to the bumper....

So, I came to Aaron and said "Baby, will you check on Asher... I'm scared." Of course he did. He always does. But he isn't afraid... because he trusts in a God who knows best, better than we ever could.

You see, I don't have the strength to ever check on Asher myself... the result of me being the one to find Aaden the morning he died.

A special thank you to all my friends who put up with me.... so many of you I have asked "Would you check on Asher for me?" And they never ask why or look at me like I am crazy... they just sweetly go into him and make sure he is ok for me. Just the other day a friend and I were in the car together and I got scared... so without hesitation she unbuckled herself and turned around to check on him.

Really? There is a problem here.

I know in my head that God is in control. I know what the Bible says, that His plans are better than mine, that His ways are not my ways... that all things work together for good for those who love Him... but it still hurts to know that He allowed my little one to be taken from me... and that hurt produces a certain distrust.

But here's the thing. God does not owe me anything... and yet He gives me everything.

As believers we sometimes associate our obedience to suffering... if we are obedient then God owes us and He won't allow bad things to happen to us. We can look at the life of Job to see that that is an inaccurate view of God and the way He works.

We are a sinful, fallen people, and because of that there will be pain, suffering and often... tragedy. But God gives us promise after promise... the storm may come but He is not going anywhere. He is right there by my side... He never left me, in fact, He has been holding me all the time. He knows my tears and He knows my pain.... and He knows yours as well.

My point?

I deserve nothing and He deserves everything... including my trust in Him and in His will for my life.

I know all this to be true but I also know that it will be a long journey to be able to live out that truth....

Have you ever seen anything cuter?!

2010-04-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

Probably not.

I seriously believe that Aaron and I have the cutest boys... ahhh.

Here is Asher. He celebrated being 8 weeks old on Saturday.

Grief at 17 months.

2010-04-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

Today Andrew informed me that he was going to teach Aaden 'how to play books and cars.' I almost asked him how he was going to do that exactly, but decided to leave it alone. I cried instead.

A couple of days ago I was telling him that our friends Ace and April were going to Virginia, he of coursed asked 'Why?' and I told him to visit their mommy and daddy and brothers. I said, 'They have brothers like you have brothers." He responded with "Yeah, Asher and Aaden."

I am sure it seems very strange to anyone on the outside looking in that we have taught our almost 3 year old about a brother he cannot see... that he only knows now through pictures. But to us, to Aaden's mother I am comforted that he is still thought of, remembered.

Over the past few days I have realized that my heart still aches for my second son. And now that I am no longer pregnant no one is asking how many children I have. I no longer have the opportunity to tell the world that I have three boys. People just assume we have two beautiful little boys. And I understand that... I can't exactly go around wearing a shirt that says 'my son died... can I tell you about him?' But I do want to remember him and as always, I am so afraid I will forget.

This past week I met with a friend, who has an amazing heart for the Lord. She was supposed to be pouring her heart out to me but instead she listened while I told her of my recent struggles... my fears of losing Asher. I realized that throughout my pregnancy and even the first weeks after Asher was born I had allowed these walls to be built around my heart... I was guarding it from the pain and loss that I was almost certain would come. However, building walls keeps God out. I desperately wanted to pray, asking God to tear down those walls, to bring me closer to Him... but that is a very scary prayer... one I didn't really want to pray.

"And you shall remember that the LORD your God led you all the way these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not."

I was afraid of being led to the wilderness again... I was afraid of what would have to be sacrificed in order for God to "test" me and "to know what was in my heart." I gave in to my desire to know God more intimately. I prayed that He was tear down the walls. Eternity is more important than this world. My relationship with Christ is more important than my fear of pain and loss. God's will is more important than mine... though I am fully aware that I have no control. My prayer is 'Thy will be done..." No one suffered more than Jesus. And if He could pray that prayer in order to save me and to save you... then shouldn't I be willing to do the same?

I would love to hear your thoughts on all of this.

:::

And what post would be complete without a few pictures of my sweet boys?
(Just to make you smile after a serious moment.)

I call this bed head. I know, I laugh out loud when I see this too.

We spent an afternoon at this really fun park with 7 miles of walking trails. Drew walked all 7 miles. haha. Yeah right.

This was taken a couple of weeks ago... Drew LOVES his brother and I am pretty positive Asher loves Drew too (despite his unwillingness to look at him in these pictures.)

Easter pictures.

2010-04-06T12:10:00.001-07:00

[someone got caught with their hand in the candy jar...

said someone realized that jelly beans are not the same as m&m's...
and at the same time realized they don't like jelly beans.]

[sweet family picture]

[easter morning]

[dying eggs]

Luke 22:45.

2010-04-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

I am going to be honest.

I took some time a few days ago to write about my thoughts regarding Christ's death and suffering for our sake... specifically I wrote about Easter and how we as society have become very desensitized to what Jesus went through for us. I wrote that we are no longer moved by His sacrifice or by His miraculous Resurrection.

I wrote those things because God was pulling at my heart.

That morning I was up early, praying and reading... or at least making an attempt to do those things. God was asking me to spend time with Him, to meditate on His Word and on His Sacrifice... and I found myself falling asleep.

I realized, with heavy guilt and deep conviction, that I had become insensitive and far removed from the story I was reading. Sad.

I felt as though I was behaving like the disciples... completely unaware of what was about to happen to Jesus and unwilling to completely sacrifice some time for Him...

"Then He came and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, 'Simon, are you sleeping? Could you not watch one hour? Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.' Again He went away and prayed, and spoke the same words. And when He returned, He found them asleep again, for their eyes were heavy; and they did not know what to answer Him. Then He came the third time and said to them, 'Are you still sleeping and resting? It is enough! The hour has come; behold, the Son of Man is being betrayed into the hands of sinners...'" (Mark 14:37-41)

I am aware that my heart needs to change and I have been praying that God will make my heart like His.

With that said, my previous post was more about God working on my heart... there is nothing wrong with having Easter fun (I mean we should have fun... it's a celebration!) as long as the focus is where it should be, on Christ... His death, burial, and His Resurrection.

So, here are a couple things we did this year to celebrate Easter...

Our Easter traditions: (as of this year - ha)
• Aaron and I read/told Drew the Easter story all week long

• Aletheia Jr.'s amazing Bible teaching for little ones beginning weeks ago. He learned about all the events leading up to Jesus' death and of course His Resurrection. (Drew came bouncing in after the service last week telling everyone 'Jesus is ALlIIIIVE.' Adorable. And so true.)

• Easter morning: Reading the Easter story. Asking Drew to tell us the story. ('Jesus not in the coom anymore mom.' Yes, he said 'coom' not tomb... I know, adorable again.) We let him have his little Easter presents and explained that we are celebrating Jesus being alive (and for that we give presents?! haha.)

• We dyed Easter eggs (of course.) Just another way to celebrate?

• We spent the majority of the day at Aletheia where we saw our largest attendance yet (about 100 people, the service was held outside on campus... so I am sure that more than those sitting in our chairs heard the message) and also where 6 people made decisions to become connected with God. Amazing.

I would love to hear from you. How did you celebrate Easter this year? What are your thoughts on all of this? Family traditions?
...
Fun idea for next year: Easter Story Cookies (scroll to down.) I love that it incorporates the Easter story as you are making these goodies.

Here is a sneak peek from our Easter weekend. (I will post more tomorrow! For now, this will have to do. :))

Is that not the cutest thing ever?!

'I'm taking your picture mom.' Getting ready to dye eggs.

Opening his Easter 'basket' from Gramma Lila (aka Grandma Linda) and Papa Greg.

Happy Easter.

2010-04-04T11:04:00.000-07:00

Denial.

2010-04-03T05:24:00.000-07:00

“Peter answered and said to Him, 'Even if all are made to stumble because of You, I will never be made to stumble.' Jesus said to him, 'Assuredly, I say to you that this night, before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.' Peter said to Him, 'Even if I have to die with You, I will not deny You!' And so said all the disciples.

... And a little later those who stood by came up and said to Peter, 'Surely you also are one of them, for your speech betrays you.' Then he began to curse and swear, saying, 'I do not know the Man!' Immediately a rooster crowed. And Peter remembered the word of Jesus who had said to him, 'Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.' So he went out and wept bitterly.” -Matthew 26:21-35, 73-75 (emphasis mine)

...

We have denied the Man who came to save us. We have said that we will never deny Him, even to the point of death we say we will never 'be made to stumble.' But we live in a society that has made it very easy to ignore what the true meaning of this week and this holiday really is, thus denying the God who came to save us.

We have allowed ourselves to become desensitized and calloused to what Jesus did for you and for me. We are no longer moved by the Word when we read of how the Messiah, our Savior was brutally killed for our wrongdoings. Our hearts don't break over the Words:

"when he had scourged Jesus, he delivered Him to be crucified.... And they stripped Him and put a scarlet robe on Him. When they had twisted a crown of thorns, they put it on His head, and a reed in His right hand. And they bowed the knee before Him and mocked Him, saying, “Hail, King of the Jews!” Then they spat on Him, and took the reed and struck Him on the head. And when they had mocked Him, they took the robe off Him, put His own clothes on Him, and led Him away to be crucified...Then they crucified Him." -Matthew 27

We are so blinded. We have lied to ourselves and said that we are good enough, we don't need a Savior.

But we are wrong.

We are desperately in need of a Savior. He was willing to die for the sins of all humanity, we just need to recognize that we are sinners. How can anyone not recognize that they are imperfect? My sin is apparent to me everyday... but maybe I am the only one.

The Bible tells us in Acts 20:21 that it is through repentance and faith that we can become connected with Christ. Repentance means to sincerely feel badly about what we have done wrong and desire to change. Faith means to believe… to believe that Jesus is God, Lord (we want Him to be in charge of us), that He died on the cross, was buried and rose from the dead three days later.

My prayer this week, as we have prepared to celebrate the Resurrection of our Lord, is that God would make His sacrifice very real to me. That He would heal my callousness and break my heart over the pain that He suffered for my sake. I have prayed that He would fill me with an unexplainable joy as we celebrate His resurrection. I have prayed that God would help me to recognize that I am not perfect and so much in need of Him, in need of a Savior.

This weekend is not about eggs and bunnies, pretty flowers, and candy.

This weekend represents God, leaving all that was perfect and holy, lowering and humbling Himself to become man... to die an incredibly horrifying, brutal, painful, and shameful death for you and for me. And for three days later, proving that He was God, raise Himself from the dead.

I pray that we will not deny Him this Easter.

Happy Anniversary.

2010-03-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

It has been one year since my husband, son, and I moved 850 miles from Harrisonburg, Virginia to Tampa, Florida to start the 5th Aletheia church plant.

And what a blessing this past year has been.

God has grown me tremendously and my walk with Him has only become stronger. I am more dependent on Him than ever before. He has provided strength when there has been none and healing where I thought impossible. He truly has brought new life.

He has strengthened my marriage, bringing my husband and I closer than ever before. I have seen Aaron grow as a husband, father, pastor, and leader in unimaginable ways. I have no doubt that God is going to continue to use him to do great things for the Kingdom.

We have said goodbye to old friends and begun lasting relationships with new friends. God has brought incredible people into our lives here and is continuing to build his church person by person.

It has been an amazing journey so far and I am truly blessed that God has called our family here. I am excited to see what the next year holds.

I want to say a special thank you to those of you have financially supported us this past year and those who are continuing to support us this coming year. I hope that you know that your sacrifice and giving have assisted in making this church plant a reality. I am forever grateful to you.

:::

Here is a little gem for your viewing pleasure.

(Photos courtesy of Shay Cochrane Photography.)

Shay, an amazing godly woman and friend, had these three photographs printed and framed. She gave them to me on Saturday as a sweet reminder that she is always praying for our continued healing. I guess I will have to keep that chair forever in case God decides to bless us with another Baby Proffitt.

5 Weeks.

2010-03-27T13:26:00.000-07:00

Today Asher is 5 weeks old.

Aaden was 5 weeks old when he died.

I am slightly afraid to allow myself to get too close, to be too happy... to let my heart be unguarded. I am afraid of losing something so precious again.

The day we brought Asher home from the hospital I asked Aaron, 'do you think we will get to keep him?' And I keep asking that question.

Last Saturday I woke up at 6:00am. I had not heard Asher since the early hours of the morning. And I panicked. There are too many memories; too much pain in that kind of wake up.

You can understand why I enjoy waking up to a little cry or why I count Drew's early morning moaning (I apologize to anyone who has ever been a guest in our house...) as a wonderful blessing from the Lord. Hearing my children provides security that they are ok... that they are alive, breathing.

My life, like many others who were touched by Aaden's life and death changed forever on November 15. We would never look at life the same. Every morning I am thankful we made it through another night. Nothing is taken for granted; the poopy diapers and spit up bring me as much joy as the sweet smiles. We are grateful when we sleep but we understand when we don't... whether out of fear or a little one keeping us up.

We have been incredibly blessed with another son. He is a joy and I am filled with so much love for him. But as a family there will always be a part of us missing. It is ironic that one can have so much joy and, at the same time have so much sorrow. I miss Aaden even more now... knowing Asher will only know him in pictures.

I praise God for the opportunity to be a mother again and I beg Him to let us keep him...

:::

The precious blood of Jesus Christ redeems. Forgiven. I'm alive. Restored. Set free. Your majesty resides inside of me. Forever I believe, Forever I believe. Arrested by Your truth and righteousness, Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness. Convicted by Your spirit led by Your word Your love will never fail,
Your love will never fail.

To Know Your Name, Hillsong United.

:::

Some pictures from Asher's first 5 weeks of life.

{www.shaycochranephotography.com/blog}

Of course there are about a million more, but I will leave it at that for today.

I will be posting more regularly now that I have gotten over that hump. You can look forward to hearing about what God is teaching me about being a wife, a mom, and a child of Christ... as well as my day to day musings and the happenings in the Proffitt house. (My design and artwork blog will be moved to another site. I will keep you updated when that happens.)

Thank you dear friends for your continued prayers and support.

I love you.

Grief at 16 months.

2010-02-19T18:26:00.000-08:00

I have not written as much as I had maybe hoped I would throughout my pregnancy with Asher. I envisioned myself being strong enough to write and tell you about all the ways that God was continuing to heal our family... relaying to you all the ups and downs of this emotional roller coaster we call grief. But in reality it was very hard for me to face a blank screen and willingly go through the pain again... it was very hard to try and find the words on days when my heart was so very heavy and tears came much easier than words. And in the end I would compartmentalize all that was going on inside of me... only allowing a few to see the pain.

Really, how do you explain such intense grief while experiencing such joy?

Molly Piper delivered her second child, Felicity, still. She writes the following about her fears of having her third child: "I knew that the instant he arrived, my affections and heart would be different, because I would have so much love for him. But what would happen to the feelings I still want to have for Felicity? Will there be room enough for all of them? I almost felt like her territory was being encroached upon. Not that this would be the fault of our next child AT ALL; I just felt like her little spot in my life would get even smaller. And as her mother, I dreaded that." (You can read her post here.)

I really am at a loss for words... I keep typing sentences and then erasing them. I am trying to make sense of everything going on inside of me but it is very difficult...

My mind is flashing memories of the past 9 months...
I started early preparing for Asher to be born. I knew how challenging some of the steps would be so we did a little at a time. Aaron has been so incredibly supportive throughout this part of my grieving process... letting me cry when I need to... often times uncontrollably. I remember more than one occasion of me coming to him with swollen, red eyes and a knot in my throat so big I could not even talk. He would patiently just wait... walk me through what was going on inside and he would comfort me. What an amazing husband.

We pulled all the baby things out as soon as we found out we were having another boy. We had to sort through all the little things that I had not thought about for months... the cutest polka dot blanket that Erica gave Aaden in the hospital... the sweet little outfit that Andrew and Aaden wore home from the hospital, and that Asher will wear home too. Aaden's little bat costume from Halloween. His little pacifiers... all these tiny, seemingly insignificant things to most parents and yet they are really all we have left our little baby.

So many memories for a short 5 week span of your life. But those 5 weeks changed our lives... Aaden changed our life.

More times than I can count I have had to answer the question "Oh, is this your first pregnancy?" And while, I am so very thankful to have the opportunity to talk about my son that they cannot see, I typically leave it at "Oh no, this is my third... yes, 3 boys... yeah, we have a pretty crazy life..." It is so difficult not to tell the world the entire story... but it isn't really a stranger's burden to carry.

So, tonight is my last night of being pregnant with Asher. Tomorrow we get to see his beautiful face and touch the little feet and hands that have been kicking around inside of me for the past almost 40 weeks now. And I am not ready. I want to meet him so badly but I am so afraid... so very afraid...

To Andrew, you will be a big brother for the second time tomorrow. You will no doubt be amazing... you have loved Asher the entire time he has been growing inside of me... talking to him as if you already know him, even begging him to come out and play with you. I pray that you will teach him all you know and that one day God will use you both to change the world.

And to our sweet Aaden, you will be a big brother tomorrow. I have no doubt that you would have been just as amazing as Drew, but we will have to settle for getting to see you with your brothers in heaven one day. Know that we will miss you and love you even more. No one will ever take your place in our hearts...

My heart is indeed heavy tonight. I am not sure I am ready to let go of Asher. I plead for your prayers as we embark on what will surely be an emotional journey over the coming days and weeks...

Fun Free Stuff

2010-02-11T11:30:00.001-08:00

Life is crazy right now. God is blessing my budding business with lots of design work and I have been attempting to wrap up a million projects before baby Asher makes his arrival. One day I will have my entire life organized and will blog more regularly! Until then...

I found some amazing free stuff in honor of Valentine's Day and wanted to share the goodies with you!

Cutest Valentine's Day Cards Ever! via June Craft (click here to download)

Valentine's Day Gift Tags. via Love Obsess Inspire (click here to download)
Enjoy!

I have lots of things to share with you as soon as I have a quiet minute or two to gather my thoughts. I covet your prayers over the next days and weeks as I know what an emotional roller coaster I am about to embark upon. I love you all and am thankful for your continued support and encouragement.

Where I have been...

2010-01-29T10:48:00.000-08:00

So, maybe I have been a little busy lately.

Asher is due to arrive within the next three weeks (the doctor has promised that she will not let me go past my due date since I have a history of giving birth to big babies.) I have so much I want to say but am emotionally not able to communicate all of that right now. So, in the meantime I wanted to share with you one of my projects over the past few weeks.

Andrew & Asher's Room.

Aaron and I really wanted the boys to share a room. Granted Drew's room is on the small side but it was important to us for many reasons. So, I had to get a little creative about how to set up the room to prepare for two little boys instead of just one.

Inspiration for the room.

Colors: Aqua & Orange (with hints of tans and whites)

The wall color is aqua and one accent wall that is orange
(even if the pictures don't really relay that very well... sorry a new camera is on the list... eventually.)

Drew's Bed.

Asher's Crib.
(We found a mini crib that matched Drew's perfectly. A beautiful fit for a small space.)

Bedding.
(Polka dots in orange and aqua with a tan accent.)

Bedding.
(I found perfect crib skirts that would have looked beautiful in the room...
too bad they were hundreds of dollars.
So I improvised... using a store bought one I added two layers of ribbon and now it's perfect.)

Artwork.

The Closet.
(oh the closet...I do love to organize and here is proof.
The closet is teeny tiny but in order to make it super useful we added a second shelf
and little plastic totes as well as a couple hanging baskets.
Everything is easy to find and easy to get to... and no clutter.)

Drew's Christmas Present.
(finally finished last week.)

We had a piece of wood cut down to fit under his bed, then I painted it and glued down the train tracks.
He looooves it.
And I love the classic look of the wooden set, it's from IKEA and is super inexpensive.

Happy New Year.

2010-01-09T12:57:00.000-08:00

A little belated, but nonetheless, Happy New Year.

2009 was a year of many memories for my family and me.

There was sorrow as we continued to grieve over the loss of our sweet baby Aaden. There was deep sadness as we left all of our friends and family to begin a journey that would take us miles and miles away from everything and everyone we knew, but amidst the pain we were met with God's unending grace, love and comfort. He surrounded us with peace and constant encouragement. We have been challenged in ways we never knew possible and yet God has proven Himself faithful again as He is building His church.

AletheiaTampa will launch our spring semester services tomorrow, Sunday, January 10. Throughout the past 9 months we have seen God do some incredible things. Many lives have come to know our Lord and Savior and for that reason alone the sacrifice has been worth it. I have seen my husband pour himself out like never before and yet God always provides him with the strength to do it all again. I am so proud of him and the man that he is. Thank you baby for allowing God to use you in such mighty ways...

Looking back over 2009, I am amazed at the work that God has done. He has provided healing, and growth, He has given strength and encouragement, He has increased love and patience.... He has brought forth new life.

:::

What are your goals for this coming year?
What would like to see happen in your life or the life of someone you know?

::

My 2010 goals.

Remember birthdays. Write down birthdays in planner. Send cards & gifts early.

Answer my phone. I am so sorry that I am so terribly bad at this... I am working on it. I promise.

Write and send a special note once a week.

Be creative. Spend one day a week creating something new. Paint, draw, photograph, sew, etc.

Take an art class. Refresh my art skills and spend time with other artists.

Be intentional. Spend more quality time with Drew. Teach him something new everyday. (Of course baby Asher will be getting lots of attention when he arrives... so that's a given.)

Proverbs 31:11. I Pray that God would teach me daily how to be the best wife to my most amazing husband. My desire is this: “The heart of her husband safely trusts her... She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.”

Seek & Sacrifice. I pray that I would have a heart like Christ's... to seek out the lost and see their hearts won for Him.

Thirst. I pray that I will be filled with an unquenchable thirst to know God more intimately and more deeply than ever before. Fill my heart to overflowing...

Of course. To see AletheiaTampa explode!!! More importantly... for lives to come to know Christ... daily.

25 Days of Christmas // Wrap Up.

2009-12-30T12:33:00.000-08:00

Holiday Wrap-Up

Day 25 // A Christmas Letter.
A friend gave me this wonderful idea...
At the end of the holiday season when you are packing up all your Christmas decorations write a family letter about the happenings of the past year and your hopes for the year to come. Then pack it away with all your Christmas decorations.

When next Christmas comes around and you are getting out all of your decorations you will find your Christmas letter tucked away, pull it out and read it as a family. I am sure you will be surprised at what you wrote the previous Christmas, you will probably even smile and laugh at memories you had forgotten and marvel at where God has brought you over the past year.

What a special Christmas family tradition.

25 Days of Christmas // Wrap Up.

2009-12-30T12:12:00.000-08:00

Holiday Wrap-Up

Day 24 // Fun Ideas for Next Year.

Here are some free ideas to keep in your memory bank for next year. I love them and wish I would have found them earlier this holiday season. [Click the name/link to see step-by-step tutorials for how to make these.]

Recycled Paper Bag Stockings [from Rock Scissors Paper]

Toilet Paper Roll Flower Ornaments [from Scraplog]
Click the link above to see step-by-step tutorials for how to make these.

3-D Paper Ornaments [from How About Orange]

Tear Drop Paper Ornaments [from A Little Hut]

Quilled Snowflakes [from All Things Paper]

25 Days of Christmas // Wrap Up.

2009-12-30T11:49:00.001-08:00

Holiday Wrap-Up

Day 23 // A gift for a friend.
I received an unexpected gift from a friend this Christmas. In fact, Drew and Aaron received a gift from the family as well. The gifts were sweet and thoughtful and so appreciated when we opened them on Christmas morning.

My thought is this: all too often the holidays turn into this stressful buying/spending whirlwind without much thought or effort put into the gifts... all because we feel pressured into buying for so many. This unexpected gift from a sweet friend reminded me that gift giving should be fun, not overwhelming and it should be thoughtful... and it should never be about obligation or the amount of money we spend.

So, next year or even this week (it's never too late) give an unexpected gift to a friend. It means so much!

Here is one idea I found that I thought would be a great gift for someone you love (and the idea comes complete with step-by-step directions via Martha Stewart.)

Painted China

2009-12-25T07:47:00.000-08:00

Have a very merry Christmas.

I'll be posting the last 3 days of Christmas after the holidays as a little holiday wrap-up. Enjoy this time with you family and friends. And remember that the true meaning of this very special holiday is the birth of our Savior.

"And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

...You were born so I might live

...And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life"

[I Celebrate the Day] -Relient K

Day 22 of 25 days of Christmas.

2009-12-22T12:57:00.001-08:00

Day 22 // Garland

Here are two beautiful (and seemingly simple) Christmas decorating ideas! I can't wait to have a spare minute to try making them myself!

Photo courtesy of Mint & tutuorial courtesy of OnceWed

Photo and tutorial courtesy of Twig & Thistle

Days 20 & 21 of 25 Days of Christmas.

2009-12-21T10:17:00.000-08:00

: : 5 Days of Cookies : :

Day 20 // Santa Clause Cookies

Photo and recipe courtesy of Taste of Home.

Ingredients

12 ounces white baking chocolate, chopped
1 package (1 pound) Nutter Butter sandwich cookies
Red colored sugar
32 vanilla or white chips
64 miniature semisweet chocolate chips
32 red-hot candies

Directions

In a microwave, melt white chocolate at 70% power for 1 minute; stir. Microwave at additional 10- to 20-second intervals, stirring until smooth.
Dip one end of each cookie into melted chocolate, allowing excess to drip off. Place on wire racks. For Santa's hat, sprinkle red sugar on top part of chocolate. Press one vanilla chip off-center on hat for pom-pom; let stand until set.
Dip other end of each cookie into melted chocolate for beard, leaving center of cookie uncovered. Place on wire racks. With a dab of melted chocolate, attach semisweet chips for eyes and a red-hot for nose. Place on waxed paper until set. Yield: 32 cookies.

Day 21 // Chocolate Pretzel Rings

Photo and recipe courtesy of Taste of Home.

Ingredients

48 to 50 pretzel rings or miniature pretzels
48 to 50 milk chocolate or striped chocolate kisses
1/4 cup milk chocolate M&M's

Directions

Place the pretzels on greased baking sheets; place a chocolate kiss in the center of each ring. Bake at 275° for 2-3 minutes or until chocolate is softened. Remove from the oven.
Place an M&M's candy on each, pressing down slightly so chocolate fills the ring. Refrigerate for 5-10 minutes or until chocolate is firm. Store in an airtight container at room temperature. Yield: about 4 dozen.

Day 19 of 25 Days of Christmas.

2009-12-19T12:55:00.001-08:00

: : 5 Days of Cookies : :

Day 19 //Brownie Crackles & Cookies in a Jiffy

Two super easy, super fun, and super good recipes for this Christmas!

Brownie Crackles

Photo and recipe courtesy of Taste of Home.

Ingredients

1 package fudge brownie mix (13-in. x 9-inch pan size)
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 egg
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup canola oil
1 cup (6 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips
Confectioners' sugar

Directions

In a large bowl, beat the brownie mix, flour, egg, water and oil until well blended. Stir in chocolate chips.
Place confectioners' sugar in a shallow dish. Drop dough by tablespoonfuls into sugar; roll to coat. Place 2 in. apart on greased baking sheets.
Bake at 350° for 8-10 minutes or until set. Remove from pans to wire racks to cool. Yield: 4-1/2 dozen.

Cookies in Jiffy

Photo and recipe courtesy of Taste of Home.

Ingredients

1 package (9 ounces) yellow cake mix
2/3 cup quick-cooking oats
1/2 cup butter, melted
1 egg
1/2 cup red and green Holiday milk chocolate M&M's or butterscotch chips

Directions

In a large bowl, beat the first four ingredients until well blended. Stir in the M&M's or chips.
Drop by tablespoonfuls 2 in. apart onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake at 375° for 10-12 minutes or until lightly browned. Immediately remove to wire racks to cool. Yield: 2 dozen.

Day 18 of 25 Days of Christmas.

2009-12-18T07:06:00.001-08:00

: : 5 Days of Cookies : :

Day 18 //Gingerbread Sandwich Trees

Photo and recipe courtesy of Taste of Home.

Ingredients

3/4 cup butter, softened
1 cup packed brown sugar
1 egg
3/4 cup molasses
4 cups all-purpose flour
3 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice
1-1/2 teaspoons baking soda
1-1/4 teaspoons ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon salt
M&M's miniature baking bits
3/4 cup vanilla frosting
1/4 cup confectioners' sugar
Green food coloring, optional

Directions

In a large bowl, cream butter and brown sugar until light and fluffy. Add egg and molasses. Combine the flour, pumpkin pie spice, baking soda, ginger and salt; gradually add to creamed mixture and mix well. Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours or until easy to handle.
On a lightly floured surface, roll dough to 1/8-in. thickness.
Cut with a floured 3-in. tree-shaped cookie cutter. Place 2 in. apart on ungreased baking sheets. Gently press baking bits into half of the cookies.
Bake at 325° for 8-10 minutes or until edges are firm. Remove to wire racks to cool completely.
In a small bowl, combine frosting and confectioners' sugar until smooth; tint green if desired. Spread over the bottoms of plain cookies; top with decorated cookies. Store in the refrigerator. Yield: 2 dozen.

Day 16 & 17 of 25 Days of Christmas

2009-12-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

: : 5 Days of Cookies : :

Day 16 // Packaging Ideas for Cookie Gifts

I love baking during the holidays and giving fun, edible gifts. Here are some super cute ideas for packaging such gifts.

Photos courtesy of MarthaStewart.com

Cellophane Wrapped Cookies

Holiday Cookie Mailing Tube

Cookie Gift Sleeve

//

Day 17 // Cherry Chocolate Bark

Photo and recipe courtesy of Taste of Home

Ingredients

1 tablespoon plus 1/2 cup butter, softened, divided
2 cups sugar
12 large marshmallows
1 can (5 ounces) evaporated milk
Dash salt
1 cup vanilla or white chips
1-1/2 teaspoons cherry extract
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/3 cup creamy peanut butter
1/4 cup finely chopped dry roasted peanuts

Directions

Line a 15-in. x 10-in. x 1-in. pan with foil. Grease the foil with 1 tablespoon butter; set aside. In a large heavy saucepan, combine the sugar, marshmallows, milk, salt and remaining butter. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 5 minutes. Remove from the heat. Stir in vanilla chips and extracts until smooth. Pour into prepared pan.
In a microwave-safe bowl, melt chocolate chips; stir until smooth. Stir in peanut butter and peanuts. Drop by tablespoonfuls over first layer; cut through with a knife to swirl. Chill until firm.
Using foil, lift candy out of pan. Discard foil. Break candy into pieces. Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator. Yield: about 2 pounds.

Give Away Winners!

2009-12-15T13:18:00.000-08:00

On Day 5 of 25 Days of Christmas I asked you to send me pictures of your Christmas decorations. Here are the two winners I chose. They will receive a set of Christmas cards (may be too late for them to send out this year, but they will definitely have them in time for next year. ha.)

The pictures below are from Rhonda. Don't you love this Christmas tree?

Rhonda wrote: "The tree photo is special to me because it represents me and my family at different stages in our lives. Elmo, Batman, Brett Farve, My "girlie" ornaments. They start from the boys births until this year!!"

and look at what she did with 'uncommon places.'

Rhonda also said: "The other two photos are light touches of greenery around the house on furniture, mirrors etc. I like decoration in uncommon places."

//

The pictures below are from Ashley. Love how she displays her Christmas cards!

Day 15 of 25 Days of Christmas.

2009-12-15T10:24:00.000-08:00

Day 15 // The Meaning of Christmas.

As Christmas quickly approaches I hope we remember the true reason for Christmas and the sacrifice that has been made. Christmas celebrates the birth of a baby that would one day die for the sins of all humanity.

How will you keep the focus on Christ this Christmas?

We have been reading stories to Drew about Jesus being born. A really fun book is "Who Is Coming To Our House?" by Joseph Slate and Ashley Wolff. We also already have a little family tradition that will take place on Christmas Eve when we will read the Christmas Story from the Bible.

I would love more ideas... tell me what traditions you and your family have that center around keeping Christ the focus.

**Update** Leave a comment on your family's Christmas traditions and I will pick one winner to receive a set of personalized notecards from my shop.

Day 14 of 25 Days of Christmas.

2009-12-15T09:21:00.001-08:00

Day 14 // Christmas Gift Tags

As a gift from me to you: Merry Christmas Gift Tags.

Click on the image below to view the full size version, and then right click to download (save as) a set of printable Christmas Tags. I print them on textured cardstock and then cut them down. I leave a little room on the left side in order to punch a hole. Then you can use ribbon to attach the tag to your gift. The back is left blank for you to write the 'to' and 'from.'

Enjoy!

Day 13 of 25 Days of Christmas

2009-12-15T08:54:00.001-08:00

Day 13 // Christmas Stockings

Rustic Modern Holiday Stocking from Milkpod Studio

Vintage Inspired Christmas Stocking from Casey L.

Green with Polka Dots from Rachel Cox Design

Rustic Modern Stocking from Orange Elephant

OR make your own.
Here is a great tutorial for making your own stocking. Just click the link with the type of stocking you are looking to make. It includes step by step instructions and a list of materials needed.
Make Your Own Holiday Stocking

//

And here are all 5 of our stockings.

One for Aaron, one for me, one for Andrew, one for Aaden, and one for Asher. Not the most original little stockings but they mean so much to us.

Day 12 of 25 Days of Christmas

2009-12-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

Day 12 // Creative Ornaments (that you can make)

These ornaments would be great on your tree or as a gift! (Click on the links to find step by step instructions for making the pictured ornaments.)

Fabric Balls from Whip Up

Simple Sewn Birds from the purl bee.

Sweater Wool Trees by Dollar Store Crafts

Mitten Ornament by oliver + s

You can find links to these and even more ornaments at Threadhead (Weekly DIY Roundup: Ornaments)

a little late... Day 11

2009-12-13T08:53:00.000-08:00

Day 11 // Wreath Making.

Check out these fun ideas (and more) for all kinds of wreaths! Thank you Martha Stewart 'Christmas Workshop.' Check out the website to get step by step instructions!

And here is another fun idea over at The Creative Place.

Days 9 & 10.

2009-12-10T14:31:00.000-08:00

Day 9 // Snowflake Curtain.

No, I did not make that amazing creation above. It is by Bugs and Fishes. Amazing.

I had to try my hand at it. So, I made a miniature version that is now hanging in front of Drew's window. It is so simple and just the perfect touch of decoration to his room.

Step 1 - Cut varying size circles out of white paper. I used different size cups, plates, and bowls as a template for the circles.

Step 2 - Fold the circles in half, then half again, and then half again.

Step 3 - Cut away. Just like Buddy the Elf would do it.

Step 4 - Unfold to see your beautiful creation.

The miniature snowflake curtain hanging in front of Drew's window. So perfect right?

:::

Day 10 // Ornaments!

I decided to start a new Christmas tradition that would include our little family making an ornament for the tree every year. Drew got his own this year because I found the cutest little wooden train ornament and trains (really any sort of transportation) is his favorite thing... that and music. (You can pick these up for less than a $1.00 at JoAnn Fabrics.)

I think he did a great job.

Aaron and I are going to paint this one. I will put our cute family picture in it.

I love homemade ornaments that document the journey of your family. We will always look back to these two little ornaments and have special memories, not only of this holiday season but of this entire year.

Day 8 of 25 Days of Christmas.

2009-12-08T19:33:00.000-08:00

What a beautiful and perfect little ornament.

You can purchase these from Land-Rich, a shop based out of Brooklyn, NY.

Or you can use these as an inspiration to make your own ornaments. I may just do that very thing. I will let you know how it goes.

Day 7 of 25 Days of Christmas

2009-12-07T17:03:00.001-08:00

Day 7 // Christmas Cards.

I love Christmas cards. Such a great way to keep in touch with long lost friends and to let those closest to you know just how much you love them!

This would be a great week to order Christmas cards... still plenty of time to have them shipped to you and then sent out to your Christmas list.

Below are some of my custom photo cards that are available for purchase in my shop. I also have a fun and contemporary line of folded cards available there as well.

OR handmade Christmas cards always add a special touch. Below are some pictures of a set of cards I made - 'Polka Dot Christmas.' Super simple with a touch of whimsy.

I used a Christmas-themed packed of scrapbook paper and was inspired by these bookmarks I made earlier this year.

To make cards like these:

Materials Needed:
Patterned paper
Scissors
Circle punch
Glue
Cardstock or ready made folded blank cards
Brads
Stamp with desired phrase OR handwritten notes work great too!

Directions:
Step 1: Cut the patterned paper to fit on the front of the card (5.5 x 3) with a little room left at the top and the bottom, exposing the white of the card. (I like white space... I think it makes everything feel more clean.)

Step 2: Glue layer 1 of the paper to the card. Punch or cut 1" circles from a coordinating paper and glue, at random, over layer 1.

Step 3: Cut 2" x 1/2" tags out of a solid coordinating paper and add desired phrase or well wish with a stamp or your own handwriting. Attach the brad by punched a tiny hole through tag, paper layers, and cardstock. (Using a safety pin is a great trick.) A little embellishment goes a long way and really added a beautiful touch to these simple little cards.

These cards are also for sale and can be shipped to you tomorrow! (Email me for purchasing information.)

I would love to see your Christmas card creations... if you have an extra you could always mail me one! :)

Real Reason for Christmas. Day 6.

2009-12-07T10:53:00.001-08:00

Day 6 // A Christmas Song.

I love everything about Christmas. Decorations are fun, traditions are fun, cookies are good... :)

But if we lose sight of the real meaning then it has all been for nothing.

I explained to Drew that we do all of those things because we celebrating the day that Jesus was born, it's like we are having a birthday party for Him... so we put up decorations and have yummy food. He stared at me with complete confusion. One day he will understand.

The real point, the true focus that we so often forget is "That You (Jesus) were born to die... So I could one day pray for You to save my life."

...

I Celebrate the Day. [Relient K]
And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

Day 5 of 25 Days of Christmas

2009-12-05T10:03:00.000-08:00

Day 5 // Table Centerpieces.

I am a minimalist. I like clean and simple design... even when it comes to Christmas decorating.

Here is a great, simple, beautiful, and inexpensive way to dress up a table for the holidays.

Use inexpensive glass vases that you can pick up at any craft store and fill them with Christmas ornaments. I used oversize red fabric napkins to ground the vase and make more of a statement on my rectangle table.

You could fill the vases with all different kinds of ornaments in a million different ways. You could add holiday floral treatments or beads. You could add tea light candles around the vases that would just make the ornaments and glass sparkle. The options really are endless.

And here is our beautifully decorated Christmas tree. My little point and shoot camera just does not do it justice. I must say that it turned out so great all because of my husband. I love him. And I think he is the best tree decorator ever.

Don't forget to send me pictures of your Christmas decorations. You just may be the winner of a set of my custom Christmas cards!

Day 4 of 25 Days of Christmas.

2009-12-04T12:11:00.000-08:00

Day 4 // Hot Chocolate.

Take some time tonight to enjoy your family and friends. Make homemade hot cocoa and sit and just talk. Turn off the t.v. and enjoy the company of the ones you love.

Christmas Card Giveaway//
And if you get a chance turn on your favorite Christmas music and finish putting up all those Christmas decorations.

Then take pictures of your fabulous decorations and send them to me (ashlee.proffitt@gmail.com). I will choose the best Christmas decorator and the winner will receive a set of Christmas cards. I will choose the winner on Monday so don't wait.

2009-12-03T12:20:00.000-08:00

Day 1 // Holiday Journal.
Make your holiday journal so you can capture all your holiday memories. Here is a sneak peek of mine.

It's all put together and ready to journal in. This journal was actually a premade scrapbook album. I replaced the screws with binder rings so that I could add pages and pictures easily. I embellished each page and added fun little envelopes and paperclips to store keepsakes, like receipts or movie tickets.

Day 2 // Christmas Decorations.
Goodbye Fall.

Hello Christmas.

Our Christmas wreath / Christmas tree hunting (Aaron said this tree looked like me... short and round. :))

Day 3 // Handmade Gift Idea.
Start working on those handmade Christmas gifts.

Every year I have these outlandish ideas to make a gazillion Christmas gifts and then it's Christmas Eve and not one has been made. I committed to starting early this year!

Here is a great idea for a handmade gift - a Doily Bag. Super inexpensive, super easy, and sooo cute. I hope this inspires you to make something for someone you love!

For directions on how to make this bag go here.

Supplies: Canvas bag ($2.00 when on sale at Hobby Lobby), fabric paint, paper doily, Krylon Paper Finishes Adhesive Spray

Step 1: Spray doily with paper spray adhesive and press down on the bag (not shown). (Using Krylon Paper Finishes adhesive allows the doily to stick in place while you paint, but it easily pulls off without leaving a sticky mess behind after you paint.)

Step 2: Gently paint over the holes – I recommend paint meant for fabric, not crafts. I first used craft paint…fabric paint will be more durable.

Step 3: Peel back doily before paint dries. The doily might tear, just peel off the pieces.

Thanks to AshleyAnn for this great idea and tutorial!

More holiday ideas to come!

Thanksgiving.

2009-12-02T06:12:00.000-08:00

Last year I went through the holidays in quite a fog. I don't really have that many memories to speak of... I am not even sure I took pictures.

So, I vowed that this year would be different. That we would enjoy the time spent with family and friends... that we would be so thankful to God for the amazing blessings He has given to us. We started the holiday season with a trip to Virginia to visit my side of the family. We had so much fun and it was surprisingly relaxing despite all the running around we did.

Favorite memories from our Thanksgiving:
1. Drew telling his Winnie all about flying and telling him to look out the window so he could see. Adorable.
2. Going on a date with my love on Thanksgiving day. We saw 'Old Dogs.' Super cute. We may or may not have eaten an entire box of Milkduds, an entire bag of popcorn and two refills worth of Cherry Coke. Oh. So. Good.
3. Wearing pajamas all Thanksgiving Day and doing absolutely nothing except watching football and hanging out in the kitchen with my mom.
4. Watching Drew play with my brother's toys from when he was little... a big bulldozer and tractor. He played outside for hours with them.
5. Getting up at 4:30am to go shopping with my mom. Going to Starbucks while it was still dark outside... and that was after we had been shopping for a couple of hours. And then getting 'breakfast' at Cracker Barrel with the family.
6. Seeing family we had not seen in almost a year. I love them.
7. Watching Drew go crazy over a real live policeman (my cousin's husband) and his police car. He made Drew's night when he turned the lights on. Drew couldn't talk about anything else after that.
8. Drew got over his fear of playdough. Thanks Jason.
9. Aaron telling me that if we failed as church planters in Tampa we would move back to Virginia and live with my granny in Indian Valley... to take care of her of course. Cutest thing ever.
10. Coming home. Tampa is home now. And we love it.

A few things we are thankful for:
(Aaron's list)
1. God's faithfulness
2. my wife
3. our three sons
4. marco's pizza
5. drew-daddy date night
6. any type of trip with my baby
7. watching movies with my baby
8. seeing people come to Christ
9. our new church plant
10. winters in tampa

(my list)
1. my relationship with Christ... His perfect strength and grace
2. my husband
3. our three sons
4. paper
5. art supplies... my favorite: prisma colored pencils and a good sketchbook or books (thank you Shay & Ashley)
6. coffee... my favorite: starbucks and greenberry's... and big coffee mugs
7. date nights with my love
8. my deep conversations with drew
9. laughter
10. sunshine
(mine weren't nearly as good as Aaron's... he's the true creative one in the relationship. :))

Our Thanksgiving Journal.
(I have been inspired by the great Ashley Connelly and her amazing journal creations. I decided that making a cute travel journal for our trips is a great way to capture our little family adventures and a little more inexpensive than making photo books each time. And this way we can journal about the trip too. So, I combined our travel adventures with our thoughts on Thanksgiving. Take a look.)

Cover and a page of journaling. *The entire book was made of supplies from The Creative Place.

Wednesday & Thursday.

Friday & Saturday

Fun embellishments.

I used a tiny envelope to hold our movie tickets and a bigger envelope to hold all of my receipts from our Black Friday shopping trip.

The journal was made out of paper bags... a super inexpensive but adorable way to make a little book. I used the paper bag opening to store all the photos from the trip and secured them with paper clips.

I am going to make some sort of Christmas book too... 25 days of Christmas... and document what we did each day. Just a little something... like yesterday we had watermelon and I thought that was super cute since it is December 1.

Hopefully, this inspires you to create something fun to capture all your memories from the holidays this year!

*If you go here you can purchase a premade book and all you have to do is fill it in!

Where to go from here.

2009-11-30T11:32:00.000-08:00

The one year anniversary of Aaden's death came and went. God was again faithful to surround us with family and friends who provided much love, support, and prayers. I was in complete awe of Him that day and the way He can use tragedy to unite His children.

I was so afraid of November 15 coming and going. 'One year ago' just seems like so long... I even went so far as to not change our calendar over to the month of November when it came... it was just too painful. And though we faced the hardest anniversary I am sure, the pain is still there and very real. It seems as though if I am ever in a car for very long my mind will begin to wander... we did quite a bit of driving over Thanksgiving and I just kept thinking about how blessed we truly are and yet how we are still missing a huge part of our family. We will never be complete here on earth. And that is painful. That is a pain that will never dull... no matter how many years go by.

Over the past few weeks Aaron and I received notes in the mail just about everyday from our ever thoughtful family at AletheiaHarrisonburg. They were notes of encouragement and love... some from perfect strangers telling us how they were praying us through this difficult time. I wanted to share one in particular with you...

'I gave my life to Christ November 16, 2008...' the day after Aaden died my father-in-law and husband stood before a church of 500 people and begged them to not let his life or death be in vain... to not let a sacrifice of such magnitude go unnoticed... to recognize what Jesus had done for them... to remember that with great sacrifice comes amazing results. Kate is one of those amazing results. Her life and eternity is forever changed. Thank you God for using Aaden and his perfect little life to reach those that are lost. And thank you Kate for a note that will be forever treasured.

Though we have passed the one year mark, the pain is still there. Asher Nathaniel is coming soon... 83 days until his due date. And my heart aches at knowing that we will only be able to show him pictures of his big brother...

But God has never left our side nor will He ever. For that I am eternally grateful.

:::

Things I am looking forward to:

: Decorating for Christmas. The holidays were not so joyful last year... and I am super excited about this year and the hope that God has given us.

: Getting everything ready for the arrival of Asher. He will be sharing a room with Drew and so far we have added some extra closet shelving, pulled out all of the baby boy things, and reorganized their will-be shared dresser. We really just need to purchase a crib and bedding... which can wait since he will be sleeping in a cradle in our room for awhile.

:::

Next post:
: Fun moments from our Thanksgiving trip up north

: Pictures of our Thanksgiving journal

: Some of the things I am thankful for

One Year.

2009-11-15T06:35:00.000-08:00

I have so many things I could say about today... but the words, unlike the tears, are not coming so easily.

I am overwhelmed by your love and unending support. I have been changed by seeing you demonstrate Christ's love to me and my family. I have been receiving messages from so many of all you week... I had messages all through the night, letting me know that you were praying that I sleep peacefully. You have sent cards and gifts. You have left me messages that remind me that we are not alone in our pain today or any other day... you reminded me that the Bible says "And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it..." 1 Corinthians 13:26.

And I thank you. God is using you to help us heal.

This morning as I read my Bible I wept. I had a hard time seeing the words through the tears. But God used His Word to speak to me, to remind me that today is truly a day of rejoicing because my son who died one year ago today, LIVES.

My heart is of course broken. I miss my son... I yearn for him to be here and to watch him grow. I ache to hold him. But I am assured that he is living and that one day I will see him again.

Yesterday, November 14 marked the last day one year ago I would see my son alive and healthy. It was a special day... and I will always remember it with a smile. We spent the day doing ministry at the church, preparing for the new series that would start that following Sunday. Aaden bounced away as I painted huge canvases... it was a beautiful fall day and he sat outside with us. It was in fact a perfect day. God truly blessed us by giving us such a perfect day and beautiful memory of our son.

November 15 marks the day that changed our lives forever. We would never be the same.

I have this vivid image of Jesus holding me as I slept that night, weeping over me. He knew... and He held us close to Him allowing us a few more hours of peace before the pain.

And I see Him holding me in the preceding sleepless night. He brings all comfort, all peace... and all joy, even through the pain.

I have prayed that God will forever remove the last memories I have of my son, Aaden. I knew when I saw first saw him that morning that he was gone. Death had already began to take a toll on his precious little body. And as Aaron and then the rescue workers tried to revive him I ran from the room. I knew he was gone and I didn't want that to be the last memory of him. I wonder if I had had more faith in my huge God, the Healer... would Aaden be here now?

At the hospital so many of you came and sat and wept with us and prayed with us. I remember hearing Drew in the waiting room saying 'Oh no' over and over... he instinctively knew something was wrong. I walked out of that hospital that day without my son. It's strange how you really do just want to die too... but that your body keeps going. I found myself surprised that my legs still worked and that I could walk out of the hospital where my son now lay lifeless.

I still miss Aaden just as much today as I did yesterday and the day before... the pain does not go away or really get any less. But God gives you the perfect strength to go on and He begins to heal you and make you new... stronger.

Today I am broken. I am reminded of God's sacrifice of His only son.... and the pain that He felt for us. I am reminded that with great sacrifice comes great things. God has used Aaden's sweet little life to change the world... and change the lives, the eternities of so many.

I thank you Lord for Aaden. I thank you for allowing Aaron and I to be his mom and dad. I thank you for the beautiful life that he lived and how you let us be a part of it... thank You for the memories. I pray that you will work in us today to give us strength. I pray that you will use us to grow Your kingdom. Thank you Lord for providing unending grace and mercy.

. . . . .

{To Aaden}

"A mother held her new baby and
very slowly rocked him back and forth,
back and forth, back and forth.
And while she held him, she sang:
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."

Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch

You hold me now.

2009-11-11T10:53:00.000-08:00

On that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free

Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven Rise to You alone

No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now

In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day

Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone

For eternity
All my heart will give
All the glory to Your Name

You Hold Me Now. Hillsong United.

Anguish.

2009-11-09T09:07:00.000-08:00

"So when I heard this thing, I tore my garment and my robe, and plucked out some of the hair of my head and beard, and sat down astonished. Then everyone who trembled at the words of the God of Israel assembled to me, because of the transgression of those who had been carried away captive, and I sat astonished until the evening sacrifice. At the evening sacrifice I arose from my fasting; and having torn my garment and my robe, I fell on my knees and spread out my hands to the LORD my God. And I said: “O my God, I am too ashamed and humiliated to lift up my face to You, my God; for our iniquities have risen higher than our heads, and our guilt has grown up to the heavens..." Ezra 9:3-6

The video below is worth watching.

I watched this video yesterday. And then my husband taught an amazing bible study last night that has really made me look into the depths of my spiritual walk. And then I was reading in Ezra just this morning when I came across the above passage.

I am wondering what our response is to sin and ungodliness? Do we tear our garments and mourn like Ezra? Do we fall on our faces before God at the thought of those we love dying and going to hell? If we truly want to accept Jesus as our Savior, the Bible says we must also accept Him as our Lord... and that means being willing to die for Him. Are we willing to die to see others rescued?

Memories.

2009-11-06T12:46:00.000-08:00

Aaron and I love to reminisce. We like to look back and see what has transpired since then... see where God has brought us and what He has brought us through.

Now, more than ever we talk about our memories... maybe because that's all we have of Aaden.

This past Wednesday was my 26th birthday. It was a great birthday. Aaron surprised me with flowers and dinner the night before. Beautiful fuscia roses... I told him they were so beautiful that if he decided to marry me again I would use the same flowers as bouquets. The next morning I woke up to breakfast in bed... one of those things that you can only truly appreciate if you are a fellow lover of mornings and breakfast. It was wonderful. And later in the day he took me out to lunch.

We sat over lunch and talked about my birthdays passed. He asked me which was my favorite and why... really? Aaron gives everything about 110% so when it comes to birthdays he goes all out. He has done amazing things... we talked about how much fun we had and the crazy memories we had from each birthday. We talked about my birthday last year... how Aaden was not even a month old... how I remember feeling so blessed and needing nothing. We remembered that Aaron had taken me to an amazing restaurant in Staunton, Va while nana and papa watched Andrew and Aaden.

We both agreed that looking back it seems surreal, that if we had only known we would only get 11 more days with our son...

I would have held him and hugged him and kissed him... I would have written down everything little thing about him... I would have taken a million pictures of his cute little self.

I remember how he had the longest fingers... like Aaron but they were shaped like mine. I remember how he had the bluest eyes... maybe they would have stayed blue like his papa's. I remember how he would frown sometimes as if he was just so sad... I remember how he just loved to be held... and held a certain way, up on my shoulder so he could look around... because he could already hold his head up at only days old.

Thank you for your prayers. God is ever faithful to answer them.

One of those days.

2009-11-02T14:04:00.000-08:00

As the first anniversary of Aaden's death approaches I am finding that much of the progress that had been made over the past months is giving way. I have been haunted by nightmares once again and for the first time in months I woke Aaron last night and had him check on Drew.

The pain is new again... different than before. My mind is reliving Aaden's short life over and over again... remembering things I thought I had forgotten. I remembered on Halloween how last year we took Drew and Aaden trick-or-treating around our neighborhood. It was so much fun watching Drew walk up to the doors for his first time and saying something, that in his mind, resembled 'trick or treat.'

The beauty of the memory has left me unsettled for the past few days as I remembered that we have the entire event on video. I have actually never seen the footage. And now more than ever I am afraid of watching the video. I am afraid of missing him even more...

I keep getting that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I think of him being gone. It was the same feeling I got the morning of November 15 and all the days thereafter when I would realize that this was not a dream but indeed our new life. A life that now knows true pain. A life that truly longs for heaven.

God remains faithful... showering me with His unending love and strength. I can say that with assurance. I praise Him for the days that He blessed us with Aaden. I praise Him for my amazing husband, who is so loving and supportive. I praise Him for Andrew who is a delight to us and I praise Him for Asher, who is already a part of our little family. I praise Him for you, my dear family and friends who pray for us and encourage us on a daily basis. I assure you, God is faithful... especially through the pain.

Last year, Chilly Chili Fest.

2009-10-31T09:57:00.000-07:00

It is an Aletheia tradition, the 'Chilly Chili Fest.' It has become such a tradition that there will be 'Chilly Chili Fests' going on up and down the east coast today at the different Aletheia church plants... too bad here in Tampa it isn't even close to being 'chilly'... haha.

And even though I am so looking forward to our 1st Chilly Chili Fest here in Tampa I can't help but think of last year.

Aaden was only 17 days old. I was having so much fun being a mommy of two sweet little boys and I was so excited about the Chilly Chili Fest... there was no way we would miss it; even if we did have a newborn. I went out that Saturday to see if I could find a costume. Of course Drew and Aaden had to be matching and of course the costume had to be super warm for the little one... and because I had waited until the last minute my options were very slim.

I stumbled upon the cutest bat costumes that were warm and adorable. I will never forget how cute my sweet little boys looked in their little costumes.

"Ashlee had dressed up her two sweet little boys in matching bat outfits....yes, thats right...bats...as in flying bats......complete with little wings! They were the warmest, cutest little costumes that I had ever seen! In his warm little bat outfit Aaden just slept and slept and paid no attention to the noise and craziness around him...unaware that he was actually a featured part of a costume parade :) It was adorable to see Drew be so sweet to him...just like he will be to the rest of his siblings yet to come." ~Shay Cochrane

I miss my little one today and wish he was here to match his big brother again. My heart aches in a special way today.

Yesterday.

2009-10-30T07:05:00.000-07:00

I am finding it hard to find the strength to finish my letter to Aaden. Maybe tomorrow.

Yesterday morning I went to the grocery store for milk. A seemingly small task that would really require little to no reliance upon God. However, I felt my stomach drop when I saw the date, November 15 stamped on each one of the gallons of milk. I stood there in the grocery store swallowing back tears.

I have put myself into busy mode the past couple weeks since we got back from Virginia where we celebrated what would have been Aaden's first birthday. No matter how many things I cross off my list I will always find something else to do. I know this is how I cope.

My original goal was a good one... to write each day that Aaden lived a memory of him. I can not find the strength to do that. I get heartbroken when I can't remember something... I told Aaron we should have written down everything about him and about every moment we spent with him. But no one knew our time with Aaden would be cut short.

A friend of mine who shares a similar loss wrote to me yesterday and said it perfectly... "I had put so much pressure on myself to write it -- I felt like I couldn't be happy until I did... It's not the pressure of other people..., but my own pressure to try to remember every detail before the memories faded." (Click here to read her blog.)

I am praying that God will help me to remember and as I remember I will write. I never want the memories to fade....

I will update part 2 of my letter to Aaden soon.

Dear Aaden.

2009-10-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

Dear Aaden,

This is your mom. Of course you already know that... you are in heaven and I believe Jesus will read this letter to you.

I wanted to tell you Happy Birthday. On October 8, 2009 we celebrated the day you were born. A special and most beautiful day that we will never forget. I wanted to tell you that I miss you so much. I truly cannot wait until the day that we will meet again. There really is not a moment that passes without a thought of you. We tell your big brother all about you. We show him the pictures of him holding you and he smiles. I am excited to tell your little brother about you too. We will tell him how you changed the world. How you were the sweetest and most beautiful little baby. And how you live in heaven with Jesus.

You were born on a beautiful fall day. You decided to keep us waiting and I think God must have gotten tired of me begging Him to bring you into the world. So, on the morning of October 8 I received a phone call from the hospital asking why I wasn't there for my scheduled appointment (to induce me into labor with you.) I told the sweet nurse that my doctor had canceled the appointment and told me I had to wait. She told me that she would go ask the doctor herself and give me a call back. Sure enough I got a phone call moments later and heard the beautiful words, "Ms. Proffitt, would you like to have that baby today?"

The answer was an excited "YES!" I called your daddy and he rushed home from the church. He had been at an early morning men's prayer time... they had been praying that you would be born soon (to put me out of my selfish misery.... if I had only known how little time I would have with you, I wonder if I would have been more anxious for you to be born though...)

We took Drew to nana and papa's house. We told him he was going to be a big brother today. We arrived at the hospital and went through all the necessary steps to make sure you would be born healthy. After a long day of waiting (4-5 hours) the doctor came in and told us that they could go ahead and start the labor. Once the process started you were born in less than an hour.

You were so beautiful and so sweet. You knew our voices, instantly turning your head trying to find us. You kept trying to open your blue eyes to look at these voices you had been hearing for the last nine months... and you ate right away, so effortlessly. Everything with you just seemed to come a little easier. We thought right away how you already were so different than your big brother.

You had so many friends and family come see you, some just minutes after you were born. Everyone said you were beautiful....and they could not get over how quickly you decided to enter the world. I spent that first night with you by myself. Your daddy had to take care of your brother, so I spent the night just staring at you.

An endless number of people came to meet you at the hospital. You were and always will be so loved.
Meeting your cousin and best friend Camden Isaiah Halterman.

Meeting one of your nana's.

And we will never forget how Speedy and Erica spent most of Friday entertaining us.

We took you home on Friday, October 10. It was such a beautiful day. We actually took you for walk around the neighborhood. We were wrongly afraid of how your big brother would react to you coming home with us. He loved you though, and loved you being at home with us.

Your first night home was a difficult one... I don't think either of us slept even a couple of minutes. I think you just wanted me to hold you... and that's ok... I'm glad I did.

Our little family was perfect with you now in it. We adjusted so quickly to having you there... we couldn't remember what it felt like to have you not be there.

I took you to church that Sunday. Some of the other moms thought I was crazy... but I knew you would want to be there too. You slept beside your cousin Camden the entire service I think. And afterward I showed you off to everyone I could... of course never letting you out of my arms.

I hope you know how loved you are. I hope you know what a perfect little baby you were. And I hope you know how I miss you.... how I ache to hold you.

We celebrated your birthday about a week ago...

(to be continued...)

October 7, 2008

2009-10-07T07:15:00.000-07:00

The days seem to be going by just a little too quickly. I can not truly fathom that my sweet little baby would be one year old tomorrow. I wish that I was planning a big 1 year birthday party... I would love to see how much Aaden had grown during the first year of his life...

One year ago today I sat in a doctor's office and begged for the doctor to induce me. I explained, amidst tears (I can be quite dramatic at times), that I really wanted to have this baby naturally and I knew that he was going to be a big baby. I had a hard labor with Andrew and the doctor had almost ordered a c-section... I did not want to go through the same thing with Aaden. So, in my mind every day that passed he was getting bigger and bigger and in turn would be harder and harder for me to deliver him. So, I begged and pleaded. The sweet doctor said yes and scheduled me for an induction the following morning.

Aaron and I were so excited. We called everyone and told them Aaden would be coming at some time the following day. Imagine my turmoil when I got a call later that day from the doctor saying she was not going to allow me to be induced... I was so upset. I cried and cried. Pretty pathetic actually...

{The night before Aaden was born.}

I was so anxious to meet this little baby. I wanted him to be born so we could love on him and begin the next phase of our life as a family.

That night I prayed and trusted... I knew Aaden would be born exactly when God wanted him born, but I was just being inpatient as always. We would just have to wait...

{Only days before Aaden was born.}

slightly emotional.

2009-10-03T10:04:00.000-07:00

Hi friends,
Yesterday was a great day. Aaron and I try to take Fridays off. Our goal is always to have fun as a family with no pressures of a normal work day. So, we run errands and do things like yard work or get the oil changed in the car. We always work a nap into the day and we try to have a lunch or dinner date out (that equals mommy not having to cook... yes, please.)

Yesterday was a lot of fun. We did the above mentioned yard work, went to the Post Office, and got the oil changed. I actually adore running errands such as those... they are mindless and relatively easy to check off a list. We had lunch and then nap time quickly followed for the men in the house. I am not really sure what occupied my time while they were sleeping... ha. We decided to go on a fun date night out, so we went to a nice restaurant and then to Sonic for dessert. I know, you are jealous. :) Too bad Aaron dropped his entire milk shake while crossing the street to Barnes and Noble...

Drew playing with the trains at Barnes & Noble.

So, despite the milk shake spill it was a perfect day. We spent quality time as a family. We laughed so much... and of course it was always at sheer randomness. But it still was somewhat of an emotional day. God has been faithful in answering your prayers for Aaron and me over the past few weeks. He has undoubtedly given us both more strength than we ever knew we needed. He has filled our hearts with joy. He is continually making us a new again. But there are still and always will be moments that bring tears to my eyes and a knot to my throat...

We got out Aaden's photo album and were showing Drew all the pictures of his little brother. It was so painful to see him not know who he was and know that he really did love him so. In heaven they will be best friends. As Drew grows we will just continue to tell him about his little brother living with Jesus and we will always show him the pictures...

Among all the fun and seemingly mindless things we were doing yesterday I was reminded that the burden Aaron and I carry is for a lifetime. We made some decisions about how we will celebrate Aaden's birthday next week. We bought a special present in memory of him. We got a baby book for Asher and I missed a family of 3 boys. I longed for our little one to be here. And I fell asleep praying last night that God would show him to me.... let me see his face.

Our boys' baby books: Andrew, Aaden, Asher

"A mother heald her new baby and
very slowly rocked him back and forth,
back and forth, back and foth.
And while she held him, she sang:

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."

{Love You Forever, by Robert Munsch}

Joy & Pain.

2009-09-30T07:40:00.001-07:00

"God has graciously allowed some of my fears to come true so I would discover I would not disentegrate. { Beth Moore }

Yesterday Aaron and I found out that we are having another boy. Our third son, Asher Nathaniel Proffitt. Asher means 'happy' in Hebrew (Genesis 30:13 - "Then Leah said, 'I am happy, for the daughters will call me blessed.' So she called his name Asher.") and Nathaniel means 'God's gift.'

On the days leading to our ultrasound our friends and family kept asking me "are you so excited?" To be honest, I think I had begun to build this wall around my heart... guarding against what I presumed to be certain devastation. I know too much now... how life is uncertain and nothing is safe. Of course I prayed... I prayed like crazy... that God would bless us with another child who is healthy and beautiful and would one day become a powerful servant of God. But in my human weakness I had my doubts, so I built the wall and refused to think about, much less get excited about, the ultrasound.

And yet, when yesterday came God showed His supreme grace. He gave Aaron and I a gift we did not deserve. A beautiful and very healthy little boy. The ultrasound tech kept saying how beautifully his little body was developing. She seemed to be in awe of his little spine and ribs and brain and heart... she just kept saying "he is so healthy." Aaron and I could not be more full of joy.

How is it possible to feel such joy and pain at the same time? I imagine that Jesus felt that same feeling (on a much different level of course)... He knew He was hear to save us and bring the lost to salvation which, I am sure, brought Him such joy and yet at the same time He felt the physical pain of being beaten, tortured, crucified for us... and the pain of separation from His Father...

My joy is now in feeling Asher Nathaniel grow in my womb and kick to his little heart's content. My joy is for the future and for all that God has planned for our family. My joy is in knowing that God has a great purpose for our children. My pain is in knowing that we will forever being missing Aaden. Our family truly is incomplete. My pain is in knowing that Asher will never know his big brother and that Andrew will never really remember him.

Aaden's birthday is quickly approaching and my heart is filled with a turmoil of emotions... happiness, joy, excitement over the amazing things that God is doing in our lives... and severe longing for a little boy that should be here. I am still unsure as to how we should honor Aaden's birthday. I want our boys to grow up knowing they have another brother that lives in heaven. I want to be able to celebrate the day of his birth and his short life... however hard that may be.

Over the next few weeks I will be posting memories Aaron and I have of Aaden and memories that some of you have sent to me.

Memory of September 30, 2008 ::
My second nephew, Camden Isaiah, had just been born days before, Friday afternoon on September 26. After a hard pregnancy, Amy delivered a healthy little baby and now we were just waiting for Aaden to make his arrival. I was getting impatient and desperately wanted Camden and Aaden to be born only days apart...

It was a Tuesday and we had a creative meeting that morning (6:30am to be exact.) I had a doctor's appointment right after. Dr. Whitten informed me that I was 3cm dilated and was sure that I would not make it to my next appointment the following week. Aaron and I were so excited. I filled the following days tying up loose ends on a gazillion projects and waited.... not so patiently.

New Baby Announcements!

2009-09-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

I just finished up a few new baby announcement designs for three different families. (None of them have been finalized so the pictures, names, and details may have been changed.) All of these designs are heavily based on great photography. The first few images are stock photography that I purchased awhile back and pictures 4-7 were taken by Tracy Dodson Photography.

I did a series of designs featuring a subtle rocking horse theme. I am excited about how they turned out! And the baby girl designs turned out beautifully... I can't even pick my favorite.

Take a look and let me know which one is your favorite!

Give Away Winners!

2009-09-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

And the winner is.... Well... there were so many fans (yayyy) I thought I would choose two winners instead of one!

Fan number 90 (counting from the first fan - my sweet husband): Carly Carothers

Fan number 217: Heather Young (who is an amazing designer... check out her website or her blog)

I will be posting their personalized notecards soon!

:::

Embellished Bookmarks.

So, a few weeks ago I was the blessed winner from a give-away by The Creative Place. I won this amazing paper pack full of fun paper... all sizes, shapes, colors... I laid it all out and obsessively sorted it by color... (who does that?) And then tried to decide what to make. I had some pre-cut blank bookmarks and decided to go in that direction.

This is what I came up with:

Flowers from friends.

2009-09-21T14:29:00.000-07:00

Last night my husband taught a great message. His series title for this chapter is First Aid: Proven Remedies from Philippians 4. It was pretty amazing as he used God's Word to lay out some practical "Remedies for Spiritual Instability." To be more specific, he talked about maintaining unity, maintaining satisfaction, and maintaining thoughtfulness.

... And because I am the blessed one who get's to be his wife I typically get to hear a sneak peak of the message. So, as we took our Sunday morning stroll he talked through the verses that he would be teaching on later that evening and I was especially challenged by Verse 5: "Let your gentleness be known to all men." Aaron talked to me, and everyone at Aletheia last night, about how the greek word for gentleness or gentle spirit - [epieikes] means humble graciousness, sweet reasonableness, generosity, goodwill, friendliness, mercy, leniency. Paul was saying to those in Philippi, just to be sweet, be humble, be generous... We should all consistently be striving to put others above ourselves... to look out for others needs before our own... to see a need and meet it.

Last week was the 10 month anniversary since we lost Aaden. These past 10 months have been the hardest of mine and Aaron's life... and I know that the next few will be equally hard. Yet, as I have mentioned before and will continue to mention God has surrounded Aaron and me with Godly people who consistently view others' needs before they view their own... they live selfless lives... always looking for a need to meet.

Last Tuesday, September 15 I received phone calls and emails with sweet messages reminding we had not been forgotten and that prayers were being lifted up on our behalf... I was given a sweet gift by an amazing friend who has made it a point to do that very thing on the 15th of every month since Aaden died... she strives to brighten that day for me... and she succeeds. And I got a sweet surprise when flowers were delivered to the door later that afternoon from two people who Aaron and I love so much... they wrote in the note very simply and beautifully "... because we know that each month is just as hard as the next. Just reminding you that you're thought of, loved, and prayed for daily."

Over the past few weeks I have been trying to figure out exactly how to honor Aaden's birthday... which have resulted in some very difficult google searches... (I know... "I googled..."). I came across a forum where families posted how they handled holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. after losing a child. I was overcome with grief for a woman who posted that she was never able to honor her lost child's birthday or even recognize the day that her child died. Her family made no mention of the child, never even saying his name. She received one card on the first anniversary of his death but the following years, nothing.

I know it can be difficult to be around people who are hurting, to acknowledge their pain... to ask how they are doing, afraid to awaken sleeping sorrow... but I ask you to forget the potential awkwardness... and instead "let your gentleness be known to all men."

I am so thankful for the friends and family that surround Aaron and me. We are truly blessed... not because we get flowers delivered to our door, but because we have people in our lives who put the needs of others' before their own. God has taught me so much, through His Word and through many of you, what it means to have true compassion, true grace... love true for another. A challenge for you: when you see someone hurting reach out to them... genuinely pray for them, don't just say you will in passing and then forget... put others' needs above your own...

:::

The lyrics from this song say it well.

Solution - Hillsong United

Open up our eyes, so blind
That we might find
The Mercy for the need

... Fill our hearts with Your compassion

It is not too far a cry
To much to try
To help the least of these

...We will be Your hands and be Your feet.

Only You can mend the broken heart And cause the blind to see
Erase complete the sinners past And set the captives free
Only You can take the widows cry And cause her heart to sing
Be a Father to the fatherless Our Savior and our King
We will be Your hands, we will be Your feet
We will run this race
In the darkest place, we will be Your light... We will be Your light

Hard day.

2009-09-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

I keep myself busy... very busy. But, even on days like today, when my to-do list is very lengthy I seem unable to concentrate and focus. I keep getting up from my desk to go get something and then I realize I have forgotten what it is that I was going to do... my mind seems elsewhere. I am tense and easily irritated today. ah. I think my heart just hurts a little extra today for some reason. I have learned that that is how pain and suffering is... one day you are fine and the next you are not.... no matter how hard you try to keep yourself busy.

I am laughing at myself right now because my original intention of this post was going to be fun pictures of a project that I have been working on... thanks to a gift from The Creative Place. But this blog is not only for the creative and fun things I am working on... so I will save that for a happier... more carefree day.

I go through stages of deep longing to see Aaden... to know what he would look like right now, what he would be doing. A couple of weeks ago I remembered that Aaron and I had started keeping a family journal of our day-to-day happenings in May of 2008. I will mention that we only managed to keep up the journaling for about 2 months or so... sad. I told myself when I pulled it out that we would start writing again... soon.

I began to read our little family updates in the hopes to catch a glimpse of Drew at the age that Aaden would be now... I just wanted to remember what the day to day was like with a 10 month old... 11 month old... 1 year old.

May 20 - (Happy 3rd Anniversary) "Drew laughed a lot today... even more than usual.)

May 24 - "Drew let us sleep a little this morning... all the way to 8am...)

May 26 - (Memorial Day) "Drew didn't like the swimming so much... maybe because Micah tried to hug/drown him"

May 27 - "Drew and daddy wrestled... Drew took some more steps for us..."

May 30 - "Drew walked all the way across the kitchen..."

July 11 - "Drew got into the vaseline... even bathing him didn't that greasy stuff off."

I found such joy in reading through those journal entries...remembering all those seemingly insignificant moments in Drew's life was amazing.

God reminded me too, how Aaden was such a huge part of our lives before he was ever even born... and how he always will be.

May 23 - "... watched my 20 week pregnant wife crash on the couch at 7:30pm."

May 27 - "... and we felt the little baby moving and kicking all around."

May 29 - "We went for a "pregnancy" walk..." (Aaron liked to call our walks that because I had slowed my walking to a snail's pace.)

June 3 - "Another boy!"

July 12 - "Drew said 'brother'"

And though I may not know what Aaden would look like right now... what color his eyes are or his hair... if he would be walking yet... or what his little personality would be like... I find peace in knowing that I will see him again one day. And I find rest in my Savior...

1 Peter 5:7 says "casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."

A Fun Give Away!!!

2009-09-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

Become a fan of Serendipity Design on Facebook (click the link on the right of the page as you scroll to the bottom) and you will get a chance to win a set of personalized notecards! The winner will be announced in one week... so don't wait!

Below are examples of a few notecards:

Healing.

2009-09-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

I find healing in the most random of places.
And working on pretty things is always a good place to start...

The past few weeks have been a design frenzy... and I have loved every minute of it. One of the projects that I have been working on is custom monogram Save the Dates or Thank You cards for Shay Cochrane Photography. The custom cards will be included in one of the wedding photography packages. I had so much fun designing these! (And no, Erica and Speedy are not getting married in California... and yes, I spelled his name wrong. ha.)

:::

Whimsical

Traditional Elegance

Traditional

Contemporary

The form that clients will recieve from Shay Cochrane Photography regarding their monogram, font, layout, color, and wording choices.

thank you.

2009-09-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

My heart has been so heavy for the past week or so and yet after I wrote my most recent blog my burden seemed lifted. God is faithful... and so are you... you are faithful to seek the Lord on mine and Aaron's behalf, to seek Him for another. And for that, I thank you.

Romans 12:15 says "Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep."

I remember the day that Aaden died and how the silence of the room was deafening... I wanted people to talk and chatter and go on with their lives. In that moment I was overwhelmed by what would come of our lives... how normal would never be normal again... and I wanted normal. But I didn't understand... I did not realize that the people who loved us so much, who loved Aaden so much were grieving with us. Aaron's dad reminded me that day, when I became angry that no one was talking, he said "they are mourning with you Ashlee..."

"Now when Job's three friends heard of all this adversity that had come upon him, each one came from his own place... to come and mourn with him, and to comfort him. And when they raised their eyes from afar, and did not recognize him, they lifted their voices and wept; and each one tore his robe and sprinkled dust on his head toward heaven. So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great." Job 2:11-13

Looking back on that day and the following days after Aaden's death I was introduced to what it means to truly love a friend. Pain is awkward and uncomfortable... you are at a loss for words and you pretend that everything is ok when confronted with someone who is suffering. And yet there were friends who surrounded me in those days who put awkwardness aside, they didn't care if they were uncomfortable and they certainly never showed it. Instead, they would let me weep... and they would weep with me. They would let me laugh and not feel guilty for doing so... they would rejoice with me. These people would tell me how they would stay up during the night and pray that God would give them our pain so we could rest. Sharing another's burden. That, my friend, is true selflessness... to put your needs aside and meet the needs of another... even if those needs are weeping with them.

God has so generously placed people in my life who come to my aid in those moments of pure weakness. Last week I broke down on two specific occasions... both times with girlfriends that I love so much... they didn't try to have a perfect answer... they reminded me that it was ok to feel the way I felt, it was ok to cry... it's ok to still be sad. There are so many little things that through many of you God has provided healing. Thank you to my sister-in-law, Amy, who never misses an opportunity to bring up Aaden's name... she is reminding me that he will not be forgotten. To those of you who have let me weep... who have encouraged me through the hardest time of my life... who have mourned with me: thank you.

:::

A Request.

As Aaden's 1 year birthday is coming up I was wondering if you have a memory or memories of him would you write them down for me? I would love to hear how he touched your life and a sweet memory you may have of him. (You should be able to comment directly on the blog, but if not you can email me: ashlee.proffitt@gmail.com)

the approaching fall.

2009-09-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

date night with my baby.
he had just gotten some special news.

Hi friends,
It has been awhile. Two months to be exact. So much has happened over the past two months that I feel, once again, at a loss for words.

First of all, God has been doing an amazing work here in Tampa. Our church, Aletheia, launched it's first Sunday night service on August 23. God brought 56 people that first night and we are in constant awe of how He provides and builds on a daily basis. We have seen so many people accept the saving faith of Jesus... and through His work in us we are reminded of what a blessing it is to serve our Savior.

Second, the Proffitt family has been crazy busy with not only ministry but fun family stuff as well. We have played hostess to some 28 different people since we moved here 5 months ago. We even had a housemate all summer... Erica, we miss you. We were able to take a trip to Indiana to visit with Aaron's family. We had so much fun... my favorite part? The entire family cramming into one house. So fun. We stayed up late, we talked on the porch in the mornings with our coffee... it was a nice break from our crazy lives here. A few weeks later my mom, stepdad, granny, and Aunt Martha came to visit us. We took them to the beach for a day and then went on the search for a seafood place... and we found the cutest little Greek village (seriously, it was as if an entire village in Greece was transported to Florida). Soon after their fun visit, we were able to take our first family vacation, just the three of us. Bill and Cindy Evans (thank you!) gave us plane tickets and we had decided back in February that we would love to go visit California, where Aaron is from. We were able to stay with Aaron's best friend Sage, his wife Manni, and their sweet little one, Zoe. We had a blast... going everywhere that Aaron could think to show me. We even visited the house he grew up in. We spent a fun day in San Diego. And the best part was that we were able to spend real quality time with amazing friends. And only a few short days after we got back from California we held our first service. Needless to say, we were busy and have been since.

indiana.
Uncle Mike filling the bucket with water for the boys to play with.

Jon & Aaron shuckin' corn. :)

The Jerrell family

california.
At Disney Land! (Thanks to Sage & Manni for tickets!)

We got to see Mickey! Drew grabbed his nose.

aletheia.
Aaron teaching at the Aletheia launch service.

...

Amidst all the craziness, we received big news: we are pregnant!

I told Aaron the day before Father's Day. I took the pregnancy test that morning and waited all day for our date later that night to tell him. I gave him a card telling him what an amazing father and husband that he is... I signed the card AP x 5 (Aaron, Ashlee, Andrew, Aaden & baby AP). It was a beautiful moment I will never forget as he teared up from such overwhelming joy. I love that God allowed me to give him such a special gift.

So... that's all. I just covered the entire couple of months... except minor details of course.

But in reality, there is always a lot more than even a list of that magnitude can cover. I am overwhelmed by the thoughts that run through my head constantly. So many of you have written or called to check and see how I am doing. Thank you... I apologize if I seemingly brush off your questions about how I am doing. I always think I am doing ok, until someone asks... and then I can barely hold back the tears... if I can even hold them back.

I am so joyful for the gift of this baby but I am afraid. I even waited to go to the doctor until I was almost 10 weeks pregnant. I knew how hard it would be. I was right. I had to answer a million questions about each pregnancy and each child. I had to relive Aaden's birth, life, and death three times the morning of my first doctor's appointment. So, I am afraid... of so many things really. I am afraid of reoccurring emotional pain. I am afraid of not knowing the future. I am afraid of not getting the opportunity to know this child. I am afraid of this little baby not being healthy. I am afraid of forgetting Aaden. If you are a mom, you understand what fear feels like... but after you lose a child the fear is subsequently multiplied.

And though I am so very thankful for this baby, our third child, and though I am joyful at the opportunity to hold another baby in my womb... I am still overwhelmed by grief. I miss my little boy who I barely got to know.

For the past week or so, many of my friends and family have made mention of their excitement for the approaching fall. I, however, am not ready for fall. I am not ready for October 8. I am not ready for November 15... when Aaden's death will no longer be marked by months but by years... how is it possible that he died almost a year ago? How is that possible? My pain is so much that I cannot stop the tears... it feels like yesterday.

I ask for your prayers as Aaron and I embark upon something that no parent should ever have to embark upon: what would have been their child's first birthday and the anniversary of his death.

....

I love you all. I am grateful that you are faithful friends... that you are not afraid to weep with me, laugh with me, and pray for me.

Aletheia Network.

2009-07-03T12:04:00.000-07:00

So, I mentioned about a week ago that I had been working on some materials for the AletheiaNetwork. I have spent every minute (seemingly) over the past couple of weeks working on the Aletheia Collegiate Church Planting Manual and a Press Kit for the AletheiaNetwork. I had a lot of fun working on it and while it had it's challenges, just like any project, I think it turned out great.

This is technically only the 1st draft of the Press Kit and the 2nd draft of the Manual. The Press Kit will eventually have it's own custom folder, probably with 3 panels, and I am even thinking it may be really fun in a book form. However, due to the time crunch we were on we had to go with what the local office retail store offered... Same goes for the Manual, I would love to see a different type of binding in the future and some thicker paper, but like I said, I think they turned out great for the constraints I was working with.

Here is the Manual (all 50 pages): "The ALETHEIA Model Developed: A Resource for Collegiate Church Planters." (The cover is printed on an ivory cover stock to give it a little weight)

There are 4 different sections in the Manual: Ten Points For Collegiate Church Planters, the Aletheia Church Planting Model, Necessary Team Members, Ministry Area Checklists, and the Aletheia Style Guide

And the Press Kit:

The goal was to portray something that would be both professional and relevant to who the AletheiaNetwork is targetting - college students. I did that by keeping the look very clean and minimalistic for the professional side, but added the bold bright blue and the striking black for the edginess that I wanted to get across.

There were seven informational pieces total in the kit: Two versions of Aletheia's Ten Points (one for Collegiate Church Planting and one for Campus Organizations), one for Recruiting & Consulting, one for Strategic Partnerships, one with information on the History of Aletheia, the AletheiaNetwork's Mission, and the last piece was a 5.5 x 8.5 card filled with quotes from a ton of people answering the question "Why Aletheia? Why college students?" I stacked each of the pieces, so there were (2) 11 x 8.5, (2) 9 x 8.5, (2) 7 x 8.5, and (1) 5.5 x 8.5... this way you could see everything that is in the kit at a glance.

The stack of 30. And although I am excited about custom folders in the future, I did love the effect of that high gloss black.

My sweet husband helping me to assemble all 30 kits in FedEx Office (I still call it Kinkos) so we could meet our deadline today!

Drew was perfect as always and played the entire time. :)

In The Studio...

2009-06-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

So, I wanted to give a little update on what I've been working on the past few weeks (when I have a spare minute...)

Thanks to so many of my friends who have entrusted me with projects for their own personal lives or their businesses. I am grateful for the chance to build my portfolio as well as improve my design and creative skills.

Here are a couple of projects:

:: Logo for Solomon Credit Solutions - contact them for more information on credit solutions (especially consolidating debt) ::

----

:: Shay Cochrane Photography: materials, information, forms for clients ::

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:: New aletheia series [attitude] artwork. this included designing outlines, powerpoint backgrounds, rave cards (cards we hand out when we go on campus to talk to students about God), emails, etc. ::

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And we can't forget...

:: Outgoing packages from my shop! ::

Projects in the works (be on the lookout for photos as they are completed):

Press kit for the AletheiaNetwork
Church planting manual for the AletheiaNetwork (not writing it... haha... just designing)
Promo materials for Charlottesville Community Church in Charlottesville, VA
And a goal to get MORE designs in my shop!

Hotel Proffitt - Open for Business.

2009-06-22T10:49:00.000-07:00

So, in case you were wondering I have been a busy girl over the past 2 weeks.

I calculated that since Aaron & I have moved to Tampa (about 12 weeks ago) we have opened our home to about 25 people... now that is just counting those who have stayed the night. We feel so blessed that God has given us this home and we look for any opportunity to extend that blessing to others. This past week was Drew's 2nd birthday as well as the Aletheia Network's 2nd strategy meeting. Our friends, family, and ministry partners sacrificed a lot (some spent hours and hours in a car...) to spend a few days with us here in Tampa to celebrate Drew's birthday and to take the next necessary steps in order to plant more Aletheias across the nation.

Drew's birthday: I spent a portion of the day crying. ha. I was overwhelmed by so many emotions... I had a hard time verbalizing, even to Aaron, what was going on in my head and heart. I was feeling so thankful to God for giving us this precious gift, Andrew Proffitt. At the same time I was confused at how fast 2 years could go... I remember the day he was born so vividly... and so many moments in between, that it just seems like yesterday. I had a silly sense of sadness that none of his little friends or cousins from Harrisonburg would be here in Tampa to help celebrate his birthday. And of course, I missed Drew's brother. Monday, June 15 was 7 months since Aaden went to be with Jesus and although I kept myself off the roller coaster of emotions on Monday... I am sure due to your prayers on mine and Aaron's behalf... Tuesday and Wednesday I was somehow swept back into that ride of extreme sadness. I cried in WalMart when I picked up his birthday cake... all those thoughts just swirling in my head.

But God is faithful. Always.

He brought some of our closest friends (from all over Virginia... and our new friends in Tampa) to my rescue and allowed the night to be filled with laughter and joy. He always saves me.

So, here are some pictures from Drew's (amazing) 2nd birthday... thanks to those of you who made it so very special... little did you know that God was using you to save me.

Drew was so excited when we turned the lights off and started singing to him... he was literally squealing with joy.

Drew wasn't feeling the birthday cake this year... sad.

Drew's mound of presents... the "coo coo crane" Aaron & I got him.

So the next few days we spent with some of the best and most amazing Christian leaders... we were strategizing about future Aletheias and all the details that go into starting something like the Aletheia Network. We had a lot of fun and God blessed the time together. I feel so privileged to be a part of such an amazing movement of God.

George using his crazy pancake-making skills to make chocolate chip pancakes for all 20 people that were there for meeting day 1.

Lindsey... George's little pancake helper. I pretended not to see the enormous amount of pancake batter that was taking over my kitchen... Lindsey did a great job hiding the mess. :)

Dinner at Acropolis (one of my many obsessions in Tampa), a Greek restaurant where they literally dance, throw napkins and crash plates on the floor. Crazy... fun.

After two days of really hard work... we all deserved a break. We took Friday afternoon off to have a pool party and cookout.

Graham, the consummate griller. Best burgers... the only thing I could have lived without was the plague (Exodus style) of flies... gross.

Highlight of the pool party? These guys and their mad skills. And yes, Keilan is playing a ukulele, Graham is adding some beats... hilarious and actually really good. Who knew?

New Things in Store.

2009-06-09T09:55:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love all things girly, so of course, I am drawn to all those special occasions that we, as women, long for our entire lives; sweet sixteen, graduation, engagement, wedding, babies....

Over the past few years I have, slowly but surely, been creating my business: Serendipity Design. With some great help along the way (thank you Shay Cochrane) I have finally gotten to the point where I can launch my new website as well as my online Etsy shop. I have been working very hard to create custom, unique designs that celebrate all of those special occasions and I can't wait for you to see the fun handmade cards and artwork in my Etsy shop.

The past year has thrown a few curveballs my way and in the midst of so much going on in my life I have found a renewed passion to create again. I hope you enjoy!

Old issue of Brides magazine that sits on my desk for inspiration.

New projects I have been working on!

Fun In The Sun.

2009-05-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

I just want to thank you for your prayers. To say that last week was perfect would probably be an understatement. God answered your prayers and provided a peaceful, fun, and relaxing visit for our family (Amy, Jon, Micah, and Camden.) We had an amazing time showing them some of our favorite places in Tampa, finding new places to explore, laughing with (and at) Micah and Drew and their crazy mischief, relaxing by the pool and staying up late talking every night.

Top memories from their visit:
:: Aaron and Jon chasing Drew and Micah around the house with the vacuum cleaner. They went balistic... screaming louder than I have ever heard before.

:: Jon "secretly" dumping cup after cup of water on Drew's head at the pool and Drew not having any idea where it was coming from or why it was happening.

:: Amy having to climb in and out of our car through the trunk/hatchback thing... hilarious.

:: Micah laying on the kitchen floor with a blanket covering his entire body... we still have no idea why he did that.

:: Hearing Drew and Micah chattering to each other each morning like they were little men... talking about "Uncle Lalo" and "big ball"... (They shared a room for 5 days... so sweet.)

:: Aaron reading to the boys every night before bed.

:: Drew's name for Uncle Jon: "Cahco"... Aaron says "at least my name is pretty cool: Uncle Lalo"... haha... sorry Halterman.

So amidst the perfection there was, and always will be, something missing... Aaden. Amy wrote me when she got back home and said "we had the BEST vacation with our BEST friends... our vacation was pretty much close to perfect- however... it was incomplete and imperfect because Aaden was not there with us..." On Monday we had an Aletheia Tampa beach activity for Memorial Day and it was unbelievable. Five people were baptized to demonstrate publicly their relationship with Christ. (Read more about that on Aaron's blog.) For whatever reason (despite the amazing day) Camden decided that he was not happy. He was so sad, just crying and crying... so I finally offered to take him. I know exactly that feeling of complete exasperation when a baby will not stop crying and I wanted to help. So, I held Camden for the first time since Aaden died. And of course he stopped crying. God has unique ways of guiding us through the healing process. He knew that I would not have held Camden under other circumstances, it's just too hard. But Amy needed my help, and God knew that He could tug at my heart that way. The first of everything is hard after such suffering, the first trip to the grocery store, the first Sunday back at church, the first Christmas... and for me, the first time I would hold my nephew that reminds me so much of my little boy. God used those moments on the beach to heal another piece of my heart. He showed me once again that He is control, that He is a loving God and that He will never leave me alone. He put His arms around me and gave me the strength do to do something I had not found the strength to do and had actually ran away from for the past 6 months. I love that sweet little Camden... and I am so thankful for his life and what God has in store for him.

Thank you for your prayers. I am blessed to have friends and family like you.

Here are some pictures from their visit:

They just saw each other for the first time in 2 months. The acted a little shy at first... that, of course, did not last long.

Beach day.

Micah under the blanket in the kitchen floor. Weird kid. ha.

Aaron reading to the boys.

Matching cousins.Micah was "cooking" in the car. See the spoon?

Aaron and Jon torturing Drew and Micah beyond measure with the vacuum cleaner... pretty funny.

Best Friends.

2009-05-23T12:19:00.001-07:00

I am so excited to say that our best friends are coming to visit us in our new home Tampa, Florida. Aaron's sister, Amy and her husband Jon are coming, completely on a whim I might add, to visit us for the long weekend. We are so excited to see them we can hardly stand it. Aaron actually had a dream last night that we forgot to pick them up from the airport. We can't wait to catch up in person about everything that has been going on over the past eight weeks... we all know that phones and internet are great but let's be honest, it's not quite the same as seeing your best friends in person.

So, they will be here in a few hours and I am anxiously awaiting their arrival. I have done a good job keeping myself busy for the last two days since we found out they were coming. I think "being busy" supresses some of the anxiety I feel about seeing my sweet nephew for the first time in eight weeks. I know that the majority of you who read this blog are people of prayer and I (selfishly... I apologize) just want to ask for a favor... if you could just pray for God's strength and love and grace to encompass our family. Aaden and Camden are only days apart in age... and I am preparing myself for some bit of pain when I see just how much he has grown and changed in the last eight weeks. I can only imagine how Aaden would have grown by now. I often plead with God to let me see him... I want to know what he would be doing now... Would he be crawling and into everything? Would he be smiling like crazy? What would his little personality be like? Would he be like his brother? Or would they be complete opposites? I am overwhelmed at our loss... and right now I am so very sad that Camden will never know his best friend here on earth...

I just ask that you would pray for our family, that God would continue to provide healing and that He would bring us all closer to Him and closer to each other.

Fun New Projects.

2009-05-21T19:07:00.001-07:00

In the past few weeks I have been (quite unsuccessfully I might add) trying to get my business off the ground. I do lots of graphic design and specialize in special occasion stationary such as wedding invitations, birth announcements, shower invitations, etc. However, I do love (and miss) working with my hands to create art beyond the computer. So, I have been attempting to get back into that love. I wanted my first project to be a set of notecards... I love handwritten notes that have a little character. I came up with this set of handmade greeting cards that turned out just beautiful. I used handmade textured Italian paper that I bought years ago when I studied in Italy for a summer. I layered circles of the paper to create floral scenes and then added a greeting with a simple stamp. (I used Stampin' Up stamps.) I am pleased with my first project. Be on the lookout for more in the near future.

My first card. So cute. The front flap is shorter than the back and allows a peek at the green paper underneath. Clever. The greeting says "Wish big."

My creative mess. I love it. I have a great workspace now where I can get everything out and leave it if I want... I usually don't though. Ha. You know me and my weird desire to always have things in their place.

New Again.

2009-05-12T09:53:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been far too long. I find it very easy to procrastinate writing. It is painful and emotionally exhausting... and I would just rather busy myself with other things. But God has told me to write. Already God has used Aaden's story to reach people for His glory... even through this silly blog. So... I will write.

God's love for us is perfect. It expands beyond our knowing, beyond our complete understanding. And yet, we find ourselves at places of complacency. We go through the motions of serving God. We are never challenged, we are never broken and as a result we never grow. Our love for God grows dull, we lose passion and our focus is blurred.

When I was in college I was privileged enough to be a part of an amazing group of Christian women. We would spend hours upon hours together praying and singing together (we were an acappella group)... worshiping the Lord. I remember a couple of the ladies would frequently pray, begging God to break them, break us... for His glory. I hated that prayer. You don't pray something like that... I mean really... who wants God to break them? But I guess those ladies knew more than I did. They know that if you want to grow, sometimes, you have to be humbled... you have to be broken.

A few weeks after Aaden was born I remember standing in an amazing worship service at Aletheia. And I remember feeling so far from God. My life was perfect and yet I had this nagging feeling that there should be more... I knew there was more. I had somehow allowed myself to get to that place of complacency. How is that possible? How could I possibly take so much for granted? I can look back and see myself going through motions of serving God but I was missing the mark. I cried out to God that morning to break me. I wanted Him more than anything else. He is my Savior, the One who died for me... doesn't He deserve that?

I know that Aaden's death was not a direct result of that prayer; but, I also know that God knew that He would answer my prayer very shortly. He has broken me to point where there were moments in the past 6 months where I could not stand for myself... moments where I felt as though I could not take a next breath. In those moments, He would sweep in... walk for me, breath for me. What a beautiful love story. He never left me alone. And He has promised me in His Word that He will "heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds." (Psalm 147:3). I trust Him. I trust that His will is indeed perfect and that He knows better that me.

A couple weeks ago I was listening to a song by Bethany Dillon, "New", and though I have heard this song probably a million times God spoke to me through it like He had not done before...

"When I have been a victim of familiarity
When my heart has fallen into sleep
Healing is the voice that awakens me
And it is you...

... You see all my pain
You cry over it for hours till I'm new again...

You, you make me new..."

I believe God knows more than anyone what we are going through. He experienced this fallen world first hand. He has felt complete isolation and loneliness... He has been disappointed... He has been hurt, abandoned, and abused. I urge you to put your trust, your faith... your life in His hands. He knows you better than anyone. He knows your pain and He wants you to come to Him for healing... for comfort and peace. I speak from experience... He will bring peace beyond understanding. And He offers life saving grace. Run to Him. Acts 20:21 says it's not hard to receive that life saving grace... "repentance toward God and faith toward our Lord Jesus Christ." You just have to be sorry for being a sinner... because we all are... and have faith that Jesus is who He says He is (God) and that He did what the Bible says He did (was crucified, buried, rose from the dead)... and desire to make Him Lord over your life. Like I said, run to Him. He wants to take your burdens and in return give you peace... and rest.

May 15 marked 6 months ago that Aaden went to be with Jesus. I wanted to share with you some of my journal entries over the past 6 months... I want you to know that God answers prayers; that He is so very faithful.

"...Lord, I am at a loss for words. My heart aches at our loss and yet I am hopeful of your glorious plan. Your ways indeed are not my ways... they are better... thank you for your grace... that it is sweeter than ever... I pray that you will cover me with unbelievable strength and power... steady and still my oh so anxious heart..."

"...Thank you for your grace that heals and supplies strength.... I pray for my family Lord... that you will heal us and make us whole again..."

"Oh Lord build and plant us (see Jeremiah 31:28) Lord I pray that you will make us new... make us stronger for your name. Let you alone be glorified..."

"I need more of You... be my Comfort in this moment... heal my brokenheart Lord."

"I pray for Aaron... heal his heart God... give him more of you, more faith, more power, more love, more patience... fill him to the fullest Lord..."

"Protect me God from the lies of the enemy... I hear them so very loud this morning. Lord I pray that in the place of fear that you will supply abundant joy... your grace surely is enough Lord and I can't live without it..."

......

I can look at the past 6 months and know without a doubt that God never left me alone. My pain has felt unbearable and unfair... and I know God was there for every breakdown, every moment of joy, every panic attack, every tear, every laugh...

I will end with the lyrics from "Times" by Tenth Avenue North... these words say it all.

I know I need you, I need to love you
I love to see you, and its been so long
I long to feel you, I feel this need for you
and I need to hear you. Is that so wrong?

Now you pulled me near you
When we're close I fear you
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that i've done
Are you done forgiving? Or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?

I hear you say "my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between

the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend

well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and attempted to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends

Our New Home.

2009-05-06T17:22:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking for an entire week where to go from my first blog. I am still unsure. So, I decided to take a break from talking to you from my heavy heart and let you into my new world here in Tampa, Florida.

For those of you who may not know, my husband Aaron, my son Drew, and I moved to Tampa about 6 weeks ago to start a collegiate ministry at the University of South Florida. And I can say that though completely crazy... these past few weeks have been nothing short of a blessing.

Aaron and I have been able to start over. We have made new friends and began a completely new ministry. We have started new traditions and have begun settling into a new routine. God knew that for us, for our healing, a new and fresh start is just what we needed.

So, I wanted to share with you, all my amazing friends and family, just a little part of our new life here in Tampa... our new home ... a sweet little gift from God and a true retreat from the craziness that is church planting!

Now we all know that this world has nothing to offer... that my real home is in heaven; and believe me I want nothing more than to be there. But, in the meantime, God has given Aaron, Drew and me this beautiful new home.

I think decorating your home should be a reflection of you and your family. I love to include things that have sentimental value and deeper meaning... I am not afraid to get my hands dirty... I do my fair share of painting furniture, frames, etc. to make the old new again. Ok... enough. Here are some pictures:

Our kitchen. Gorgeous.

Our formal living room. A frame I found at a yard sale. And yes, the empty space is on purpose. Love it.

Huge dining room table. I would call our formal living space "contemporary with an elegant touch." Complete with fabric panels upholstered in fun, luxurious fabric. We have a sitting area and formal dining room that are open to each other. It's peaceful, comfortable, and beautiful. I read my Bible and pray there in the mornings.

The end table in our family room. I stacked two really great design books on top of each other to give the lamp height and to create some interest. I love layers, even in home decor.

A little niche right before you enter the master bedroom. I hung two of our wedding pictures there.

The master bedroom. Simple, yet elegant.

Master bathroom. Double vanity. Amazing!
Two paintings that hang in our guest bathroom (deep rust/orange). We got these paintings on our honeymoon in the Dominican Republic. I left the fabric canvas just as it was when we got it; I like the ravelled edges and the story that they tell... they are raw and beautiful.

Two of a set of three vintage advertisements Aaron bought for me from the Dayton Farmer's Market in Virginia before we moved to Florida.

Our office. The wall above my desk, complete with work that means a lot to me. Ashley Connelly made the shadow box for me as a gift (thecreativeplace.blogspot.com) the other peices I made... the centerpeice is a collage of the time I lived in Italy. The last peice is one of the only photographs that I was actually pleased with from my photography class in college.

My inspiration. I like to collect lots of fun things that give me ideas... and I like them to be within arms reach. I have stacks of paper samples, postcards I collected when I lived in Italy, and two more presents (a really fun journal that I can't bring myself to write in for fear of ruining it and a vintage/specialty paper book) from Mrs. Ashley Connelly (thecreativeplace.blogspot.com).

My sweet boy. His sweet picture is framed and sitting on my desk.

So, there you go.... some fun pictures to look through. I am currently saying I am done decorating, but we all know that is not true. :) I am just taking a break. I'll let you know when I make any additions or changes.

No Words.

2009-04-29T06:02:00.000-07:00

Today I write for the first time. I just got off the phone with a friend and asked for her prayers as I write my first blog. How silly. And yet the tears started falling with the first word I typed. Not that silly. My heart has been broken. I physically ache even now as I write. I find myself unable to talk about what has transpired in my life since November 15, 2008. I am not sure if it's because I cannot find the words to truly describe what is actually going through my head or if it's because as soon as my mouth opens I can no longer push down the pain. I think the latter is more true... I have learned that I am very capable of ignoring the overwhelming ache until I begin to talk. So, I don't.

This past weekend I stumbled upon a blog (Bring the Rain: The Story of Audrey Caroline. By Angie Smith) and I could not tear myself away. I read the most recent post and then found my way back to the very first post, about a year and a half ago. I continued to read through more than a year's worth of blog entries, crying so hard that I could not see through my tears. Aaron hates to see me in pain, thus his questioning "baby, why are you doing this to yourself?"

I tried to explain that I had just found all the words that I had been trying to find for the past 5 1/2 months. Though the experiences were much different, the pain is still the same. Her words were my words, her feelings, mine. And suddenly I realized that I had failed. God has been ever faithful, ever gracious, and the true Peacemaker. And I have not told anyone. I apologize.

In this blog that I had stumbled upon, the writer, Angie Smith, she tells of how she always wanted to write but that she just had too many insecurities and thought she was not good enough... and then she says but "you (her baby girl, Audrey) have made me brave."

Aaden, you have made me brave.

My desire is for you to see a glimpse into my life, the life that God is ever changing and molding; making more like Him.

I never questioned God. I have never been angry with Him (except when I was 16 and totaled my car... I remember begging God for a miracle, to fix the car... and being very angry with him when the car was, in fact, totaled. But the anger could have been teenage hormones. Either way, I should not have been trying to see how fast my new car would go... but that is another story.) I always trusted that He knew best. Was this his ultimate plan? No, I don't think so. God created a perfect world, with no death or dying. Our sin ruined that perfection and now evil runs rampant in our lives. Was I disappointed with God? Yes. I have many times since November 15 prayed that He would take this burden from me... that I would wake up to my son, now 6 months old, growing and very much alive. I envision myself telling Aaron about this horrific dream that I had... but that is not the case. This is real. God chose Aaron and me, our families and our friends to bear the weight of this burden.

More importantly than me never questioning God or not being angry with Him... I never doubted His love for Aaron and me. From that day on God keeps giving me this reoccuring visual image... of Him (God) holding me as I slept that night. I see Him weeping over me and holding me so tight knowing all the time what would transpire through the night... all while I slept peacefully, completely unaware of how my world would be changed by morning. God is sovereign. He is all-knowing. And He is all-powerful. He and His mighty legions of angels could have said no that night. But God chose to allow Aaden to be taken to Him and so I believe He held me. He protected me from the pain as long as He could. And He loved me... just as He holds me and loves me now.

November 14th was the best day. Really... let's go back. October 8th was the best day. I was so incredibly ready to have that baby! I actually cried and somehow managed to convince my doctor to induce my labor even though I had not even reached my due date yet. I wanted to meet him so badly. Our sweet little Aaden Sage Proffitt was born after only 8 minutes of pushing and I am proud to say, with no epidural. He was perfect and oh, so beautiful. I remember when Drew was born... a completely different story... 3.5 hours of pushing and then our lives became complete chaos for months afterwards. My hormones were a crazy mess that resulted in my being overun by mood swings and his (Drew's) colic, and along with that I was a first time mom, doubting every decision I made regarding my new baby. The story was completely different with Aaden. (I mean what baby sleeps through the night at 4 weeks old?) I truly believe that God allowed those 5.5 weeks to be as perfect as life on earth can be. That was His gift to us.

Aaron and I, almost effortlessly, were now parents of 2 precious boys. I was and am so proud of these little boys. Before Aaden was even a week old I had them both at the library for story time. I loved being the mother of one and I loved, even more, being a mother of two. Drew absolutely adored his baby brother. Every morning he had to see "baby" before he got his breakfast. He would look for him and I even found him a couple times standing over Aaden's cradle while he was sleeping. Aaron and I were so excited about the future and all the things God had planned for this new little family...

Andrew, though very colicky, would be completely content to sit and play all by himself, even when he was very little. Aaden though loved to be held and he loved to be high on my shoulder. He would look around and inspect everything. He was taking it all in... I am so thankful for the seemingly small and insignificant gifts from God... had Aaden not wanted to be held more I would have busied myself with my normal (always extremely long) to-do list, instead of taking the time to cuddle with him and love him a little extra. I pray, even as I write this, that God will help me to remember even the smallest details of his life. I miss him... and I am so afraid that I will forget.

November 14 was a great day. Aaden was amazing. I have this beautiful memory of him "helping me paint"... really he was in a bouncy seat while I painted these huge paintings. It was a beautiful day... we spent it with people who mean so much to us. I, too, am so thankful for that sweet gift God gave to us.

November 15. I woke to Aaron's alarm at 6am and thought "wow, Aaden slept a long time." The previous 4 or 5 nights he had woken me around 5am to eat. I just thought he was sleeping longer. I walked down the hallway to where he was sleeping and found him not breathing. I wish the rest was a blur but I remember every single detail. I screamed and Aaron came running. I called 911 as Aaron administered CPR. It took only minutes for paramedics to get there, apparently they were hunting in the field next to house... however, those couple minutes felt like a lifetime. Literally. For whatever reason, when the paramedics got there I ran downstairs and sat in the floor. I didn't even try to hold him.

In the moment, I wanted to believe that this was not real. Maybe I was trying to ignore what was happening... I'm not sure. I think, I could not bear to see my beautiful baby not alive.

I don't remember crying which may sound absurd... and I feel like I knew from the moment I found him that I knew he would not make it. I couldn't even pray. What do you say? I wanted this to be a nightmare. I grabbed Aaron's phone and went down the line in his contact list. I became angry when people didn't answer. I would keep calling until they picked up the phone.

Don't they know what is happening right now? Aaden is dead. Don't they understand?

I wanted people to pray, to know. I had to do something, so that's what I did. I called everyone I could think of.

We rode in a separate rescue vehicle to the hospital. I sat in a waiting room, all the time knowing that it was taking too long... awhile later Aaron came in. He was the brave one. He stood in the ER room with the doctor and all the nurses watching them work on our little baby. I pray that the doctors and nurses know that I am thankful that they tried so very hard. I know they did their very best. Aaron came to me and said he was gone. He didn't make it. They couldn't bring him back.

I refused to see Aaden. In my skewed thinking I was afraid to remember him that way. I still, even right now, wanted to pretend it wasn't real, that it was a bad dream. Seeing him would make it real. Aaron made me go in to see him. For that, I will be forever grateful. I wasn't allowed to hold him and I wish I would have ignored those nurses and picked him up and held him for hours. Memorizing his little face and his fingers and his toes...

I want to hold him again. My arms physically ache to hold him. They seem empty...

I left the room and crumpled to the floor. A drunk college girl came out of the bathroom. She was probably visiting a friend who had drank a little too much the night before... I wanted so badly to scream and yell and ask her if she understands that she is wasting her life... I wanted her to feel true pain. I wanted her to know about my son and his, much too short, life. I refrained myself.

The next day was Sunday. I have no idea how my father-in-law or husband had the courage to do so, but both of them went to church. My father-in-law, Dave, told Aaden's story and he gave the message of salvation. He begged people to not let Aaden's life be in vain. Maybe people were in shock but I heard that they didn't move... until Aaron got up. He cried out to them, "Don't let my son's life be in vain." Life is much too short and eternity much too long for you to not receive this message. I wasn't there, but I heard that person after person began raising their hand to begin a new life in Christ. Aaron's blog reads: "Pastor Dave said... “when a son dies, people get rescued.” Aaden has had more of an impact on God’s kingdom in his short life than many of us will have in our life times. And this is just the beginning..."

The next days and even weeks do become a blur. I would stay up so late so that I would be able to sleep. My body ached to feed this little baby and every 3 hours I had a very painful reminder of what had been lost. I was afraid to leave my in-laws house where we were staying because I couldn't bear to go home. I no longer felt that I was capable of being a mother to Drew. I did my best, but I honestly felt he was safer with someone else. I had a hard time being with Aaron, because he, more than anyone, reminded me of Aaden.

We got through the funeral arrangements and the memorial service. It was a beautiful, beautiful service. God kept reminding us of His love with each and everyone of you that came. He loved us through you. And for that we are forever grateful.

There were moments when I truly felt as though I would not be able to breath my next. The weight seemed just too heavy. And yet, God would say to me, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

I think moments of true suffering deepen your dependency on God. Your relationship with Him is strengthened. He rewards you by showing new facets of Himself to you daily.

My goal for this first posting was not to give you every detail of the last 5 1/2 months but for me to begin to write about what God has done and is doing in my life. Even as I read through this, I thought of so many things I want to say... In the following days I will write more and more. My hope is to keep you updated on how God is moving and working through us. I hope that you can see that He is indeed a God of love and of peace. I want you to know that though I wish God would change His mind and bring Aaden back to us... I do trust Him. I hope you trust Him too. I am not too self-consumed to think I am the only one hurting in this world. If you are reading this and you too are suffering I pray God's healing in your life. Feel free to email me: ashlee.proffitt@gmail.com. I would love to hear your story.

If you took the time to read all of this, then I want to thank you for caring that much about me and my family. Continue to pray for us as we carry this burden. Pray for opportunities for God to be glorified through Aaden's life and death.

with love and sincere thanks,
ashlee